


abbi cura di te

by jenlvbug



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Middle School, Coming Out, Feelings Realization, First Crush, First Love, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, LGBTQ Themes, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Personal Growth, Puberty, Second Chances, Self-Discovery, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Teenage Drama, Teenagers, Underage Smoking, best friends to strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:42:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29897859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenlvbug/pseuds/jenlvbug
Summary: Jeno was always scared of addictive things or people, because in a way, Jaemin was his first addiction. The security Jaehyun gave him was his second one, and Jaemin during the years is shamelessly still Jeno’s motive to always turn back. What has him mad now at twenty years old of age is Jeno surely would follow Jaemin anywhere if one day he’ll decide to find him and ask.Saying it out loud is terribly hard, too enclosed in his ideals of being a proudly independent man but it does cross Jeno’s mind. Seeing Jaemin at the train station, a familiar weird tug in his chest wondered if the person he was waiting for is a new relationship. Moving on once again, endless game of playing strangers. Curiosity itching the same way Jaemin’s hands did for a cigarette that day drinking coffee together.Exactly how they say it; one falls first and the other falls harder. Jeno often thinks he’s both.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 36





	abbi cura di te

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate this to the person who has been what Jaemin is to Jeno in this story. I’m sure you won't read this — thankfully you won't.
> 
> We both know you weren't mine and never you could have been, saving all the tears we shed for that ugly truth yet i try to carry all the good memories. A life that amazes me with how many times tried to bring us back together in the same path.
> 
> I still wonder why it happened whenever it seemed we were about to be strangers again, and sometimes I allow myself to dangerously question if we really took everything out of all those chances. I’m sure we didn't, but it all happens for a reason I believe. Forgive my dreamy, foolish self, I gave Jeno and Jaemin a happy ending.

His head explodes from the overwhelming amount of information absorbed during the past six hours, another day of university spent mostly being confused about where to go for the next class than the content of his lectures, annoyed at the mails signaling continuously their sudden change of schedule. 

The train station’s gallery floors are slippery, unbreathable inside sweating his entire life under the jacket he’s wearing. A gallery made of both sides shining from the shop’s lights and fancier displays decorating the whole walk, or entertaining bored souls waiting long hours for their delayed trains. He’s thankful for the distractions daily, hiding in a trusted music shop waiting for his friends at the station.

Jeno doesn’t really like the song playing in his earphones at the moment, fumbling inside his stuffy pocket looking for his students card and focusing on not falling on the floor with his sliding boots on earthen, not having the brain or enough hands to press quickly twice on the white wire and skip the song.

It’s always too crowded, people trying to get out of the gallery finding — and breathing the center of the city. Others run in the opposite direction where the stairs at the end of that big tunnel finally takes them inside the station, trying not to miss a next train taking them to destinations he doesn’t care about. Jeno never gets there late, he’s too anxious to stroll peacefully like Donghyuck would force him to do if they had the same schedule today.

He checks the time, a lady bumping on his back apologizing quickly before running who knows in which binary’s direction. Jeno eyes the automatic stairs, the space between him and those god sent gifts of technology sparing him sore calves after walking and skipping bodies as it is a sport all pressed in the narrow sidewalks for fifteen minutes. 

Jeno honestly takes the train only on Fridays for about a year, walking every day to the station solely to pick his friends up and walk together to their faculties, gathering the thin chances he has to spend time with them.

He still needs to learn shortcuts to take, Donghyuck changes them continuously whenever they walk together; he doesn't have the time to memorize a permanent one to use. Jeno’s heart skips a fluttery beat as he casually looks up from his phone and his ears are gladly welcoming the newest song added on his playlist, recognizing the familiar lean figure wearing a black coat, soft looking brown hair of a head turning around the station waiting for someone.

Of course the possibility of finding him here isn’t far-fetched, they all study under the same university after all. Despite the surely different faculties, short months of summer and then a whole year passing since the end of high school turning them into strangers, Jaemin Na is on the other side of the stairs. Handsome as ever, typing on his phone with the same gentle slope of his nose almost touching the screen slumping towards a really bad posture.

Jeno walks fast the other way to reach the tramway exit, unsure why his breath is labored all of the sudden. Unsure why the idea of waving or sharing a few words with Jaemin scares him so much when they even used to hug each other or hold hands affectionately; a part of him still hopes he would notice him but he doesn’t, and from the way it looks Jaemin is going to find whoever he’s waiting for soon, mentally recollecting himself inside a shop.

He’d generously like to scoff or scold himself for turning into a brooding puddle. Jeno hates thinking about middle school for many silly reasons he still has not gotten over, albeit after seeing Jaemin he naturally has flashes of that hellhole passing through his mind as he scans the cute stationery items displayed. 

When he was younger puberty had him chubbier and losing eyesight drastically, insecure with his thick glasses covering youthful acne forming all over his face boldly and loudly. He suddenly felt clumsy, all awkward standing on two feet being already a shy mess himself.

Jaemin was the first person he told he had to wear glasses, typing furiously on his laptop coming home from his eye examination on the Facebook chat, poor thing open almost all day after school just to talk with the boy. Notification sounds running back and forth in Jeno’s room his mother wanted to shut the damn device off the window, just for the young boys left with sheepish closed mouths whenever they met at the dance studio they both were attending hip hop and breakdance classes.

He still cringes thinking how they considered each other best friends, most of their conversations happening on a chat when they had all possibilities of getting closer at the dance studio. Jeno was incredibly shy, and Jaemin despite being a popular kid among the modern dance and ballet girls all crushing on him was pretty much an introvert himself. 

And it was cool to having many friends on Facebook, cooler getting comments and likes at every post and that’s how they started talking, over stupid pictures and dance related posts. Slowly they also started talking in the premature teens sweat smelling practice room, hoodies and shirts humid learning different routines for their dance contests. Various displays of blushed cheeks when Jaemin started talking to him in real life, no safety he could get behind the computer screen.

Jeno had no idea how crushes work, nor if he could have one for a boy. The only thing he knew was his heart speeding faster at the idea of meeting Jaemin in the evening at their dance classes, cheek-hurting smiles whenever his computer would make a loud sound signaling the boy sent him a message and he had to think of a reply.

He wasn’t able to stop talking about him. Jaemin this, Jaemin that, oh that’s the same thing I’ve been talking about with Jaemin — all the time, especially to Mark, his biggest friend in middle school. No one really saw it as Jeno crushing on a boy, especially when he was that young and generally clueless about everything evolving around romantic feelings.

His mother thought he really admired Jaemin, being one of the best dancers at their dance school, always taking the front row in the formations for their choreographies and at some point stealing Jeno’s usual front spot. They were both the best in the classroom, spending their time talking about dance tricks, new moves to practice, what kind of music they liked. 

Jaemin would mention a song from an artist and Jeno would get obsessed with it, listening to many songs somehow with an unspoken desire to impress the boy. Jeno had no idea why he felt uneasy being twelve and sulking if one of the modern dance girls were stopping and stealing Jaemin from him to talk in the corridors, giggles and twirls of their long hair in their fingers getting his attention. Excited whispers to their other girl friends if Jaemin talked to them.

Jeno’s only reference were the romantic movies playing on the tv showing the common straight couple, he had no idea such a thing as a boy liking another boy existed. He never truly questioned his feelings, smiling too much at Jaemin talking, endlessly speaking a lot about him to Mark when they were at school. Always distracting from classes, checking how long it would take to finish his school day and go to the dance studio meeting Jaemin or chatting with him on Facebook.

Jeno sits on the tramway, downloading the Facebook app he thought he would never use again in his life after high school, where his math teacher sent them homework. He’s not planning to use it at all, curious to check if those chats still exist somewhere in his profile. 

Life had him meet Jaemin on many occasions, even when he thought they wouldn’t anymore and it was the last funny casualty getting between them ending another journey together. Everytime Jeno sees him again after a while he hasn’t, there’s always the urge to get back where it all started. Those facebook chats.

He lives in a secluded small town void of useful and fast travel options and that’s what had him move into a shared apartment right in the city, with an affordable monthly rent. His parents were fine with it, considering it is a great chance to grow up and learn how to start being an adult. Respecting deadlines, doing his own laundry, cooking meals and generally being functional alone.

When he settled in the spacious apartment of a building without an elevator at the last floor, no one told Jeno his roommates would be two overly considerate young adults replacing his actual parents. It’s not bad at all, Jeno is the youngest and gets spoiled endlessly, Doyoung and Taeyong treat him as he’s their own child; literally.

They shower him with affection, Taeyong home alone currently whining when Jeno almost runs inside his room after greeting him fast, telling them he’s busy and they’ll eat something together later for dinner. 

They can get overbearing at times, unnecessarily checking he is okay or getting alarmed at every frown, yet Jeno is grateful since it feels very homey. They care a lot about him, and he’s heard many stories of roommates being on the worst terms to be relieved it’s not his case. He never gets homesick, especially since most weekends he does come back home with a three hours train trip. 

Soaking his parents’ cooking, lounging on the couch petting his cats and strolling to the familiar green fields where he grew up. Approximately a five minute car ride to Jaemin’s house, where he’s been a lot of times in the past and his mother used to adore him. Their mothers still talk for sure, sometimes reminiscing old days where they used to meet at the dance studio waiting for their boys classes to be over. 

Jeno gives up on his phone finding out he has another app to download for the chats and opens his laptop, clicking on Jaemin’s profile. As expected, the last post he has is from about a year ago. He almost wants to shriek cringing at the last conversations he finds in the chat, a gross line of pink hearts sent repeatedly from both sides. Definitely happened before they got Whatsapp and they all started talking there, forgetting Facebook in a blink.

He only wanted to take a curious peek, ending up with heavy glasses sliding at the tip of his nose, a mention of a double chin from the awkward position laying on the bed half against the headstand and his knees bent to keep the laptop on his legs. Scrolling up to old conversations until his fingers hurt, a lot of cringing emoticons and abbreviations for words and big caps until he finds a message that makes his heart sink with memories.

“I used to like you, I think. I don’t anymore don’t worry”. He reads. 

Jeno was twelve when he wrote those words going through his first heartbreak, realizing Jaemin would never see him that way. Jeno also wants to scold his past self for the foolish half coming out, and he isn’t surprised when the next message is from Jaemin asking what he means by liking him.

Jeno saved himself and wrote he meant as friends, to ignore all of it and it didn’t matter. He suddenly remembers when he stupidly asked one of his dance friends to ask Jaemin what he thought of Jeno when they were in middle school. Jaemin said Jeno was cute, a nice friend, and what else was he supposed to say; Jeno still has no idea why it even crossed his mind back in the day. Naively swimming in nervousness, waiting for his friend to let him know if Jaemin said anything close to his wishes.

They were friends, really close ones moving forward and Jeno had to learn what he was feeling wasn’t friendly at all. Jeno has impressed the ugly tears he shed finding out Jaemin was dating a girl from their dance school, sulking and avoiding him with cold glances during the dance contest happening a few days later the news. They were supposed to sit together for the bus ride to the theatre and Jaemin was instead holding the girl’s hands and kissing her a few rows behind Jeno.

Jeno holding back the tears listening to One Direction saddest songs sticking his running nose to the cold window of the bus, being extremely dramatic on his own and smiling when one of the ballet girls sitting next to him asked if he was okay. He smiled and said he had a cold, trying hard to avoid the girls young voices whispering about them kissing being inappropriate and all subtly siding against Jaemin’s new girlfriend mainly because they were jealous.

He remembers them trying to have Jeno into their small gossiping circle once they were waiting for their turn to perform on the theatre dark stands where all dancers were crowded before being called behind the stage to dance; he so wanted to be mad at Jaemin and even more at that girl for getting what he wanted. Jeno was too scared to admit he would have loved holding Jaemin’s hand, maybe — extremely self-conscious for his mind formulating that clear, loud thought, he wanted to know how it felt to kiss Jaemin.

That was a question that lingered in his head for years, if Jeno is truly honest. 

Suddenly he was ignoring Jaemin, not hard to do so when he was with that girl all the time. She was pretty, is all Jeno remembers of her, he forgot her name. Naturally blonde hair, perfect frame for a dancer, blue eyes, looking angelic with her beautiful smiles. Jaemin eventually noticed something was wrong with his bitter answers on their Facebook chat, and Jeno was glad for that sparkle of realization that Jaemin could have never been what he wanted.

Also it had Jeno mature quickly, suddenly more interested to find out if what he was feeling for Jaemin could have happened for someone else; and by that he meant another guy. He was too shy to ask his parents or friends, even talking about it with Mark made him scared.

He started browsing the internet, and he was overwhelmed for the first time meeting the word “gay”. It also means lighthearted and carefree according to the etymology, the word sounded positive to his ears, reading of people on open discussions online talking about how they caught feelings for a boy or a girl according to their same sex and they could confidently deem themselves as gay after experiencing their feelings.

Jeno heard that word before, not giving it too much care or weight since he had no idea of what it truly meant. Someone called him gay once for listening to One Direction, or for being a passionate dancer, the only times he recalls being addressed with that term. He wondered if there are things deeming someone gay by default, common steryotypes, but he also believed people have different interests anyway and it would be stupid recognizing a sexuality by their passions. 

Jaemin danced, listened to the same music as him yet he wasn’t gay, or he wouldn’t be dating that girl. It was his process of thoughts, and soon Jeno got interested looking for movies or books reccomended where male gay couples were involved. And oh the way he felt his stomach twirling painfully and heart bumping weirdly in his chest in butterflies had him sure he wanted those things too. 

Becoming a bookworm for boys falling in love through literature, craving to feel those emotions on his own skin whenever he closed his eyes and daydreamed about it.

How it tingles your skin to be held, kissed that way — how Jaemin would to him. It was embarrassing, Jeno was all blushed cheeks and spacing out during school waiting to come home and read the last chapter of a book he spent most of the night devouring with his phone’s flashlight turned on under the covers, to avoid his mother finding out he was still awake. Blinded even more by the laptop’s bluish lights watching movies about gay couples late a night when he was sure none of his parents would disturb and ask what he was doing.

Jeno kept losing eyesight, gaining some extra weight due to puberty kicking his ass and opening a chasm in his stomach, swelling his cheeks, making him feel extremely insecure. 

He almost wanted to quit dancing, practicing without glasses preferring a blurred view instead of having a clear vision of his body changing so much on the dance studio mirrors. He couldn't stop eating and felt guilty about it whenever that irrational hunger stopped, acne worsening on his face and there was not a faint shade of confidence in himself.

He got over Jaemin, or so he was convinced he did, repeating no boy he read in his books could compare. Fictional characters at that point were better than any real life big crush he had on him, and it was enough for them to start speaking again. Or it was also for Jaemin’s youthful relationship lasting less than three weeks and all was back to normal. 

Jaemin seemed completely clueless about his feelings, and it reassured Jeno nothing truly changed, he could allow to be friends with him.

He wasn’t particularly overweight or unhealthy, yet he tried to tell his mother he needed to start a diet. Wanting to get rid of all that acne, which was just his youth spreading all over attaching to a thirteen year old boy. Covering it with his mother’s concealer a shade too dark for his face worsening his reddened skin, his classmates making fun of him for wearing makeup.

Last year of middle school, all of them slowly growing up and changing a lot in the span of three years, voices getting deeper and cracking with remaining childhood. Especially Mark’s, to which they all teased him for at school forgetting Jeno’s makeup in the process. 

Jeno was shy wearing gym clothes, feeling always everything was too tight and that’s when he started wearing his oversized hoodies he never really got rid off in the years coming. He did lose weight, scared of his hurting feet as he was dancing. He lost more than a week of practice sitting in the corner and watching his dance group rehearsing, he hurt too much to dance.

A month of physiotherapy that served nothing when changing doctor Jeno found out he had to get a surgery at his feet and he was on the age limit to do it. The only way to spare more injuries and time lost dancing was getting it done as soon as possible. They had him schedule the surgery in July, still late but skipping a great part of the waiting list, right when Jeno was supposed to have a dance contest he couldn’t participate anymore.

His last year of middle school was the one he spent since spring came around practicing breakdance moves with Jaemin in front of his middle school, where the asphalt was lean and great to do their tricks. Jeno was struggling to keep up, feet hurting even just by standing and their encounters soon turned out to be hours where they would sit on the dusted stairs talking about anything on their minds.

Jaemin eventually asked about that unfortunate slip up in their chat. Also why Jeno never talked about girls or dated one from dance especially when he was close to many of them. He laughed, pointed down at his body and said first of all, no one liked him with the way he looked. He started listing all his flaws, all he saw wrong in himself, avoiding passionately the most important one of them all — he was sure he had no interest in girls.

Jeno wanted to scold himself badly when Jaemin smiled at him and said those were all lies and if he were a girl he’d date him. Too bad Jeno didn’t want any girl to date, if Jaemin had to feel anything for him it had to be with him as himself. Jaemin Na, a guy liking another guy named Jeno Lee; what a dream, Jeno thought shaking his head after hearing the cute praises to comfort him.

Summer came, Jeno did some last performances with his dance school and practiced with Jaemin in the empty boiling rooms of the dance studio. He still shuts his eyes in vague shame recalling how he flinched when Jaemin tried explaining a move and had to hold him by his hips. Jeno was simply sheepish for his body, and for Jaemin’s hands being directly on his skin, plus their sweat accumulated from dancing.

Their dance school held a summer camp, and Jeno besides teaching younger kids hip-hop moves with Jaemin got curious and started doing modern dance with the girls of his age for the summer, until he would get his surgery and be on a wheelchair to recover for about two months as his doctors anticipated. He befriended all the girls, excited to have a boy in their team when male dancers usually lack and he was surprised being added in a group chat on Whatsapp.

It was one dedicated to Jaemin, where the girls were gushing about him in an impromptu fanclub he had no idea existed, and Jeno truly wondered in mild panic why they added him. They explained he’s their friend and too nice to expose them; those smart girls would find ways to spend time with Jaemin thanks to Jeno’s help during those local performances they would participate in small towns and cities nearby. Jeno at that point had given up.

He didn’t truly like Jaemin by then, simply because he wasn’t allowed to and it was impossible for the boy to have mutual feelings, looking forward to high school already. 

Jeno was sure what kind of school he wanted to do and he opted for a high school of art, choosing roughly fashion as a main lab for the first two years they had to blindly decide solely to make the classes formations. He knew he had time to experience all the labs the school offered and eventually in the third year it was when all students had to make the final choice.

That dance group chat a while later was what had Jeno deciding not to speak to Jaemin anymore. He never truly texted there, only passively accepting whenever the girls asked if they could join him and Jaemin at their table for lunch or do activities together at the camp. The girls gave him a gift for good luck on his surgery on his last day at the dance school, and Jaemin held his hand tightly telling him everything was gonna be fine.

They also found out they were going to attend the same high school, kind of useless if Jeno thinks how it went for them right after he got his surgery and stopped dancing. He spent the rest of the summer on a wheelchair, laying on his bed Jeno’s parents moved in the living room so he wouldn’t have to do the stairs. He eventually started to literally crawl to the bathroom forbidden to rest his bandaged feet to the floor. 

After a couple of weeks his mother brought him at the dance studio visiting everyone preparing for the contest he couldn’t attend for obvious reasons; he smiled sheepishly at his dance mates welcoming him excitedly, legs sweaty against the fabric of the wheelchair from the heat and his nervous glances around the room meeting Jaemin’s eyes. He also blushed madly when Jaemin hugged him from behind, saying he tried to reach him on the phone but he never answered, and that he missed him.

Jeno excused himself saying the signal is terrible in his living room, when he actually avoided the boy as if his life depended on it. He doesn’t have a clear image of that hug today, Jeno was too nervous about being sweaty and smelling bad to focus on his biggest lifetime crush wrapping his arms around him. 

Jeno is grateful for those two months spent mostly alone with his family and cats in that living room, lazing in the fresh aircon air all day. He had time to read books — discover gay artists, actors, people he found comfort in realizing he was not alone. He confidently called himself gay in his head or safe websites where no one knew his name. 

A word holding such a big meaning changing everything he thought he wouldn’t have to think about his whole life, discovering there are many other labels people find a sort of sense of belonging or safety in. And that feeling of belonging somewhere, in a nice community where you’re understood is what had Jeno hiding in forums and groups for lgbt members, making some online friendships and having deep talks truly shifting something in him. 

He stopped feeling ashamed of his feelings, Jaemin was just the key to understanding them and it didn’t necessarily mean he had to be the right person for him when for clear reasons he couldn’t.

Jaemin’s first ex-girlfriend found out about the dance group chat, and Jeno slightly panicked when he saw all the girls leaving the group during the contest week and curiously asked why they were doing it to one of his closest dance mates. She told him Jaemin’s ex exposed the chat to him, asking another one of the dance team to send her screenshots where they were screaming about Jaemin’s looks. He almost panicked, even if he never said anything compromising his name was in the group. 

That stays unsolved, they never really spoke about it, and Jaemin never truly questioned anything but Jeno knows he didn’t blame him for helping the girls spend time with him. Jeno was always too selfless to let them down, and he figures Jaemin knew him well enough to understand.

Summer came to its end, Jeno started walking with crutches recovering quickly from his surgery, excited about high school and happily going around with his mother buying books, a new backpack and school supplies, pondering in front of the wardrobe looking for the best outfit he could think of. He saw Jaemin only the first day, where all freshman students were crowded in the school’s atrium being called name by name in their respective classes. 

They simply locked eyes, a mention of a smile when Jeno’s name was called and he walked towards his new class, starting to memorize new faces. A bit of weight lost thanks to the surgery and the lack of appetite staying almost all day doing nothing in bed, acne slightly improving and his voice turning deeper marked the start of a new journey.

Jeno’s head snaps towards the door, Taeyong peeking inside with a gentle smile and a softer knock on the dark wooden. He looks tired recently preparing his thesis, ruined bleached hair of a dark purple color, house clothes too big for his very thin frame. If Jeno’s eyesight and memory aren’t tripping, the shirt is Doyoung’s. 

“Hungry? You’ve been in here for a while”.

Jeno realizes he’s been staring and spacing out at his computer screen for who knows how long, and it is about dinner time when he checks it for himself at the lower corner of the screen. Too lost thinking about middle school days, memories threading in his head anyway, no matter how much he wants to shut them off.

If the clumsy little boy he was at twelve could stare at Jeno right now, he’s sure he wouldn’t recognize him. Face slimming to sharp features with age, same dark hair just not oily and decently cut, body he works out to maintain and he enjoys spending hours at the gym to let all the weekly pent up stress fall against a speed bag. And on top of all, a fairly confident openly gay man. 

One that surely never had the romantic love stories he used to read when younger, albeit proud of who he is and demanding his friendships to accept that part of him otherwise it’s their loss. No time left to think he’s the wrong one, proud and loud of his right to love. 

A twenty year old boy who sleeps around a bit too much, his mind not ready to commit to a relationship since his last serious one happened when he was fifteen, or maybe it’s just an excuse he tells himself since the guys he meets are pretty much assholes these days.

Jeno looks back to high school days a lot more fondly, since it’s when he started a process forming him to what he is right now — and he is actually proud of it. The same puberty that had him gain weight also had his body slimming down during freshman year, surely well influenced by new friendships and generally an atmosphere that has been kind to him.

Jeno was very timid, unsure how he became extremely chatty and lively in the new school walls all of a sudden. He had Mark Lee in his class to start with, reassured by a familiar company encouraging them speaking to their new classmates and befriend them quickly. Some friendships were easier than others, Donghyuck Lee being the striking example of those ones.

A short confident boy with honey colored hair and a tangy, bubbly voice fast chatting with them between classes since the first day. Experiencing the same lost walks in the big old building, asking information from time to time to older students slowly turning to a fixed trio. 

For their first two years of high school, everyone knew the loud and friendly trio of him, Mark and Donghyuck. Jeno still isn’t sure how older students knew about them, he figures it was for their befriending literally anyone they met, never spending a break inside their classroom without socializing.

Jeno remembers as if it happened yesterday meeting Jaehyun Jung for the first time, a memory engraved vividly. 

The older boy gave him directions for the ‘design of jewelry’ lab one day he was late and lost, not finding the right room after wandering for ten minutes stressing about his teacher marking him as absent. He immediately gave the boy a second look right after thanking him, heart beating stupidly fast realizing Jaehyun was looking at him as well and winked his way before disappearing behind a corridor.

Astonishingly good looking Jaehyun Jung, fourth year of Photography and Design lab with whom he flirted for the entirety of his first year, still unaware of how important that dimpled smile boy was going to become to Jeno. He didn’t know flirting worked and meant something at all, unsure if he did it successfully or it was unintentionally coinciding with his attempts to impress the boy.

At least that’s what Donghyuck kept repeating whenever he saw them talking during breaks, often slinking in an angle of the school’s garden laughing and joking with Jaehyun, sometimes both staring too long at the other between those lighthearted giggles. Jeno had no idea how to flirt, and accidentally did it a lot, pleased by Jaehyun being the first guy to ever show actual interest in him. He was still weird, blushing too much, albeit the glorious freedom of talk and being himself with him. 

Their first year encounters were harmless, simply enjoying the boy’s company getting to know him better, with faces sometimes leaning close or excusing himself to the bathroom during a lesson just to meet up in an empty corridor sitting by the window; talking with him when days were too long, opening up sharing details he felt he could only talk about to Jaehyun.

He didn’t have to say anything, Donghyuck and Mark probably knew Jeno’s preferences without specifying them, not too good hiding that part of him. It all came to Jeno being fifteen, officially coming out to his parents and his two closest friends. 

Nauseous, about to throw up in fear the day he sat down telling his parents he had something important to say, just to shed some thick tears at them being the best accepting people he could have been raised from. It also drastically changed their bond for the better; Jeno exactly for the fear of sharing that important and scary detail (at least in his mind) of his life had him running away with his secrets and avoiding his parents, afraid they’d ask questions he wasn’t ready to answer.

He started being unapologetically himself, his texts with Jaehyun becoming a trusted friend getting riskier and taking a different kind of note. Jaehyun was Jeno’s first kiss, all numbed by a speeding heart pounding in his ears, stomach flipping almost sickly, parting his lips to be kissed so purposefully and wanting.

The small shocked gasp he made feeling Jaehyun’s firm arms around him, his wider chest built working out daily shaping his body to perfection Jeno had the innocent audacity to trace under his digits making Jaehyun laugh, discovering how good making out with him was.

Aroused by that warm tongue he kissed back eagerly, unsure what to do with his hands roaming through Jaehyun’s spine back to his nape and soft hair. Being fully aware it was a guy, stronger arms holding him and he loved all of it, hiding in Jaehyun’s room many evenings to keep that dizzying feeling on his body walking to school with indecent hickeys and bitten lips the next days. 

And also with a few smirks from Donghyuck teasing him and Mark complaining he shouldn’t make fun of Jeno when at least he was the only one having something going on close to a relationship when they were both single. Those kinds of statements would start an endless bickering between the two Jeno was ready to cover his ears and rethink his friendships.

He felt grown up, more self aware this is what he likes, and he eventually had no problems admitting he is gay once Jaehyun asked him to be his boyfriend after a few official dates. Walking around the corridors hand in hand, sparkly eyes completely fond of the older who stared back the same way, daring to discreetly kiss some more before a class behind the school’s walls, never ready to detach from Jaehyun.

Jeno felt amazing with him, truly the best version of himself when there was nothing left to hide or feel shameful for. He was brave to stay tangled against a wall soothing his hair and encouraging him about the upcoming exams of his last year of high school, noses grazing a bit too into each other shyly biting his own lips listening to Jaehyun’s sweet low voice talking plans for the weekend with his freshly gotten driver’s license. 

Jaehyun wanted to take him anywhere he wanted, hold his hand never letting go and Jeno would have done the same without hesitation. Jeno thought he and Jaehyun were going to be the high school sweethearts ending up marrying each other. Very naive and sweet of him, unaware how life changes plans in a blink of an eye.

Them being the only gay couple openly showing affection in public at their school had its flaws for sure. People calling them attention seekers, various slurs that of course hurt whenever Jeno thought too much about them, whispering behind him as he walked around during school hours or outside of the building if someone recognized him. 

They also met very supportive people, growing kind of popular, having girls and boys trying to befriend him or Jaehyun considering them “So cute!”. Some boys would come up to Jeno and tell him they wished they had the same bravery, asking how he came out to his family. Since Jaehyun studied mainly photography and always looked for new models to work with he had a pretty big circle of acquaintances, and eventually Jeno hauled in Donghyuck and Mark to it. 

He met Jaemin again casually about a month after coming out and showing up to school with Jaehyun as boyfriends, both of them in the same bathroom empty between classes. It had been more than a year since they last spoke, white room silent as Jaemin mentioned a smile his way and Jeno was washing his hands. Jeno reciprocated that sheepish smile, lifting the corner of his lips looking down at his soapy palms in the sink.

“I’m on your side, by the way”. Jaemin said, Jeno widening his eyes taking in how deep Jaemin’s voice got in such a short time. Not really, they hadn’t spoken for long, a lot changed for Jeno and he was sure it was the same for his ex best friend. How funny it sounds, thinking they were somewhat close when in that bathroom he looked and felt like a complete stranger.

He hesitated a second, slightly confused and Jaemin seemed to catch on that, shaking his head with a small laugh. “I mean you and Jaehyun. You’re both very brave”.

“I wouldn’t say brave''. Jeno shrugged his shoulders, shaking his hands in the sink to dry them. “We were tired of hiding. I’ve been doing it for a very long time. And thank you, I appreciate”. 

He smiled, surprised to see Jaemin’s cheeks blushing. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well, or future Jeno knows Jaemin admired the courage he desperately was looking for in him seeing Jeno proudly walking to school with his boyfriend.

The short encounter woke up some slumbering feelings and insecurities belonging to his old self, laying on his bed one evening, soothing Jaehyun’s hair as he was leaving kisses to his bare stomach in one of their slightly more intimate moments. They’ve never done anything, he thought he was still too young and not ready even if he trusted Jaehyun more than he considered ordinary when they were dating for no longer than a few months. And Jaehyun was in fact his first time, just not when they were dating, happening a few years later.

Jeno looked down to his slimmed but soft stomach, hands intertwined with Jaehyun on the mattress leaving a small whine at his lips sucking bruises to Jeno’s hip, keeping one leg thrown over Jaehyun’s shoulder he grabbed softly in his inner thigh. It was the most intimate he had ever been with anyone, not wearing a shirt, unfocusing to all the good burning his stomach felt at Jaehyun’s tongue kissing his skin, uncomfortably distracted thinking and looking at his form.

Jeno tugged gently Jaehyun's hair for him to look up, a curious dimpled smile forming as Jeno bit his lips harshly. “Do you mind if I start working out with you?”.

He seemed surprised when he asked, shifting to kiss Jeno’s neck, fingers curled to his soft sides dipping under his digits easily. “Sure baby, why are you asking?”. 

Jeno wanted to flee at Jaehyun’s deep stare yet he trusted him enough to tell the truth. Jeno will always trust Jaehyun no matter what distance is between them. “I really like what you’re doing right now, but I can’t focus on anything else other than how my stomach looks without a shirt”.

Jaehyun made a worried pout, moving a black strand of hair out of his forehead. “Is it why you don’t want to go further with me?”.

Jeno made a guilty face, arms circled around his neck. “Could be one of the biggest reasons”.

“Jeno, you know I love you the way you are, right?”. Jaehyun kissed his jaw, then his chest and looked back at his eyes. “If you want to work out because you think you’d feel better and it’s healthy, sure, let’s do it. But if you think you’re less than the most desirable boy I’ve ever met, you’re all wrong”.

“God, I love you”. Jeno kissed him, this one more special, one leg circled on Jaehyun’s waist deepening the usual simple laying in his bed, breath shuddering from the different closeness pressing against him. Jeno tried to not focus on the way his stomach had some rolls from the position he was in, felt wanted and appreciated by Jaehyun, always ready to show him how much.

Sometimes, after years since they were dating and almost two years from the first and last time he had sex with him, Jeno still feels his heart beating loudly at the thought of Jaehyun. 

He figures first love is hard to forget, unfortunately both aware they stopped working the moment the older finished high school and a clear gap between them formed abruptly. Jaehyun starting university, growing up and mentally being somewhere Jeno wasn’t yet, a maturity breaking off something they were never truly able to recollect when they lost it. 

Despite the trust, despite the affection, both were there but it wasn’t enough. They had an amazing night together two years ago, during his last year of high school feeling all grown up turning eighteen, getting there after Jaehyun invited him to his degree ceremony. Jeno went out a few times to catch up with him when he lost his virginity in the meanwhile, in Jaehyun’s university apartment while reminiscing old feelings. Jeno felt at ease and he could never regret his first time, guilty only of thinking about someone else when his mind was the most clouded in that new experience. 

Jeno eventually started working out with Jaehyun after school. His parents were enthusiasts and completely gone for his thoughtful boyfriend, accepting immediately to pay for Jeno’s suggestion, being finally a healthy activity. 

He had stopped doing any kind of exercises since had to quit dancing, never fully recovering from his injury. Fourteen year old Jeno wanted to get back at the dance studio way too soon on schedule, and when he was preparing for a dance contest he broke his foot falling badly during a modern dance class, back on a wheelchair for another month about three months after his surgery.

That’s also why many students at school were familiar with the wheelchair boy and his two friends, sometimes strangers helping him when he struggled to move and always had Donghyuck or Mark bringing his backpack around the school. Thankfully in the unlucky situation he was able to bond with Jaehyun through it, pushing his wheelchair to his classes sometimes, talking about how he was dealing with his first year of high school.

Jaehyun was the one knowing exactly how weak Jeno’s left leg and generally both his feet were, sticking next to him during the first month at the gym helping with his exercises, slowly learning how to do them correctly alone and smiling satisfied at the first results. 

He could clearly feel his stomach getting firmer under his hands, the nauseous feeling and almost non-existent resistance lifting weights easing each time he forced himself to get inside the sweaty walls. Jeno would wear his earphones, work out, sometimes gawking too long at Jaehyun’s muscles flexing on the other side of the room, busted staring.

Drinking a lot of water, getting interested in eating healthy the right way, accompanying his parents grocery shopping and becoming enthusiastic about maintaining his body changed a lot for him. He gained confidence, his acne faded and his body and face features sharpened in the passing months.

He became less awkward, his appearance haunted him to the point where he felt heavy and weird only walking around students who probably didn’t care about the way he looked. He was finally able to stand on a bus without feeling judged and ashamed for no reason, taking relaxed breaths instead of obsessing over how bad he must have looked to other’s eyes. 

Jaehyun graduated, celebrating with his family and Jeno, a few glasses of wine making them giddy to end up in his lap kissing most of the night locking the bedroom door.

Jeno turned sixteen two months prior, not afraid to take some clothes off in the grueling heat of July and exploring more what it means being close with someone you want, hands touching private parts changing permanently his fears to pleasure when he gaped the first time in the boy’s mouth at the feeling. 

New experiences coming non stop, supporting Jaehyun when he was nervous for his university test at the end of their dreamy last summer spent together, and blinking twice reading the list of his new classmates released one day before the start of school. Jeno officially chose the architecture lab for his last three years of high school, applications small in number they made a hybrid class with the cinema and video editing students. Finding out only a day before school Jaemin Na would have been his classmate.

He kept repeating he wasn’t nervous, it had no use when he was happily in a relationship and they calmly spoke a few words months prior. Jeno wasn’t nervous until the first day of school as soon as he entered his class for the first hour and saw him next to a skinny framed boy, looking and whispering immediately in Jaemin’s ear.

He decided to not care whatever short brown haired boy was whispering to Jaemin and he linked an arm with Mark taking a seat next to him, happy to have someone he truly was friends with. They both cried on the last day of their second year when Donghyuck told them he was keeping up with the fashion lab, yet they still met the whole summer and kept hanging out during breaks and outside of school anyway.

It wasn’t the same as spending each day together as they did for two years, and in a way he was glad not having to explain to Donghyuck why he was so nervous seeing Jaemin. Mark knew, no doubts after bringing the pieces together from Jeno’s weird middle school obsession with Jaemin and his recent high school coming out. 

For the entirety of the first two months of his third year a lot started to change for Jeno. He and Jaemin barely spoke, befriending the ‘ear whisperer’ next to him on the first day which ended up being Renjun Huang, nicer than his first impression allowed. He was Jaemin’s classmate in their previous formation, both chose the same lab lucky to be again in the same class. He kind of reminds Jeno of Donghyuck, witty and ready answers always outsmarting all of them with confidence. 

He and Jaemin shared only a few clipped answers, mostly dry from Jaemin, no effort and generally avoiding the other while everyone was trying to be friendly. Jeno started being progressively sure he did something wrong or there was an unspoken grudge between them he didn’t know about.

Jeno didn’t have much time to ponder about it, too focused on his relationship crumbling down to nothing. Jaehyun was always busy with university in the evenings, staying at the library to study and shifting to a gym in the city so he wouldn’t lose time with the long train ride. Jaehyun didn’t live close for Jeno to take a bus in late evening when Jaehyun was coming back home and it was his only free time. 

Jeno felt bad for disturbing him when the boy picked him up or gave him a lift home, reducing their hours gathering the small time they had to never see each other. He had an invisible boyfriend, and Jeno was willing to accept it if it wasn’t for the steps Jaehyun necessarily started taking ahead and far from him. 

Moving and renting an apartment close to his faculty, the long train rides were too uncomfortable for Jaehyun to come home and for him to visit, and if Jeno thinks about it now he can fully understand his view.

They felt uneasy drastically being at two different points of their lives, not speaking a lot anymore and when they did Jeno felt left behind and they would discuss it sometimes ending up arguing. Their relationship was nothing more than tongues doing what couples do avoiding the inevitable truth, until one day after Jaehyun made him leave breathy noises helping with a hand inside his sweats Jeno said they should break up.

Jaehyun agreed on the spot, still letting Jeno rest his nose in the crook of his neck, and shedding tears feeling dirty and sticky with his release on his — right in that moment ex boyfriend’s stomach. Something broke in those months, both trying to fix it and failing their caring efforts, because despite breaking up they never stopped caring. He remembers crying loudly, clutching at Jaehyun’s shoulders afraid of what that meant, still knowing it was the right thing to do.

For Jaehyun to mature even more and live his university years the right way, for Jeno to concentrate without stressing about catching up where Jaehyun was and skipping his own high school days and all the steps they entail. Simply not ready to be there, heart hurting hearing the same pain from the other side of one boy he kept in his heart for long. 

Jaehyun that night drove him home and they haven’t seen each other for years after that.

Jeno doesn’t regret it, and also didn’t the next days walking to school trying his best to smile, but oh he was indeed hurt. Not even a few months with his new class and he recalls extremely well bursting into tears during the first week after the break up, and not for his math teacher calling him to solve the exercise. Mark looked at him with pity before Jeno ran as fast as possible out of the room, but someone else preceded his friend to reach him.

From some of Jaehyun’s friends and Jeno deleting his pictures with him on his instagram they all knew something bad happened. When he saw Jaemin sitting next to him on the stone stairs of their school Jeno wondered how haphazard it looked to their classmates. It was Jaemin comforting him when none of them ever mentioned they already were friends in the past.

All Jaemin did was hesitantly holding his hand, soft and curling around the back of it with a sad frown locking his glossy eyes. “I’m sorry, Jeno”.

Jeno didn’t care about how much time had passed and the clipped awkward words shared, he nodded and started crying even more on Jaemin’s shoulder, the other squeezing his hand gently, letting him wet his sweater with tears as he hugged him. White converse dirtying at the tip knocking with Jaemin’s black shoes, the corridor empty except the occasional student loitering or going to the bathroom.

That didn’t really change anything, still not talking for some other weeks. All until one day walking to the bus stop with Mark, they both jumped slightly scared by Donghyuck‘s cocky smirk, not promising anything good. He sneaked his arms around their shoulders, eyebrows impossibly high as he looked at Jeno.

“So, you and Jaemin?”. He wiggled his eyebrows, Jeno flushed wondering how the hell he knew anything when he never spoke about it. It wasn’t necessary, Jeno was happily dating Jaehyun back then and no Jaemin was affecting his life anymore for long.

“What about us?”. Jeno asked nervously, Mark pursuing his lips bending to look at him. Jeno used to generously speak about Jaemin in his middle school days, yet Mark only officially met him after getting in the same class. He was just a name frequent in Jeno’s stories, an obvious unspoken crush of times Jeno was completely oblivious.

“Come on, Renjun said you two were a thing and Jaemin was acting all vague, he ain't slick. The photography guys know”. 

Jeno blushed, and somehow it fueled Donghyuck’s convictions about them being remotely close to a couple in the past when it was all far from the truth. “Oh my god you were!”.

“Hyuck we were literally kids, and nothing happened anyway”. Jeno rolled his eyes, detaching from his friend’s deathly hold. “Mark, help me”. He stressed, pouting his way.

“Well, someone said Jaemin really acted suspiciously”. Donghyuck’s eyes sparkled from Mark siding with him. “Are you sure nothing happened before dating Jaehyun?”.

“Please can we not mention him? Any of them, possibly”. Jeno pleaded with his eyes, the whole break up still stinged quite harshly on his mental health. He kept reminding himself it was for the best, both of them taking profit from it. Also thinking how he cried on Jaemin’s shoulder truly was mortifying and he didn’t have the guts to apologize.

“So Jaemin is gay?”. Mark furrowed his eyebrows curiously asking Donghyuck who seemed to know everything of everyone in school, typically so, reaching the street where his two friends turned left towards the train station and Jeno usually went right to the bus stop. Jeno was the only one living in the middle of nowhere.

Mark asked a good question, Jeno had no idea about anything regarding Jaemin’s existence since he lost all contact with the boy until they happened to be in the same class. Donghyuck opened his mouth with a sigh, a look screaming ‘I really do have to tell you everything’.

“Ask every attractive queer guy of our school if they know Jaemin and they all made out with him at least, if not more. Well, except you and me apparently”. 

“You’re joking, right?”. Jeno laughed awkwardly, clenching the hold on his backpack. It couldn't be true, that new detail about Jaemin was destroying all he was sure about to scold himself for the delusional thoughts his head made in the past. And he was also going to miss the bus if he didn’t start running in the next five minutes.

“Why would I? Well, he didn’t make out in front of the whole school like you and Jae- I mean redacted did. Not a straight thought exists in his head, trust me”.

“Wait, I thought you knew what he said the other day”. Mark shook his head with an easy smile, Jeno standing still evidently confused. “He mentioned it to his lab part of the class, he doesn’t care about labels. I’m just finding out he was truly serious about it”.

Jeno was about to go insane a few days later. Not for Jaemin’s sudden sexuality discovery, yet for another reason making his hands tremble with threatening anger dropping the phone on his bed after texting their class group chat. 

Jaemin asked something about what pages they had to study for english, Jeno kindly replied since he knew the pages by heart when he had finished his homework right in that moment and a few seconds later Alex, another one of their classmates answered the same thing. What made Jeno officially lose it was Jaemin thanking Alex and completely ignoring Jeno’s answer — and to be more precise, he answered first.

He thought he was exaggerating and stressing for nothing, but when he mentioned it to Mark on the last hour of their school day which happened to be a lab one where they were separated from the other side of the class, his friend said that was the most obvious attempt to avoid him Jaemin had ever done so far. Mark was the one repeating he didn’t have to stress about it and if he could see it this time, it meant everyone else could as well.

Jeno decided to text him on the spot, their lab teacher a chill woman letting them use their phones listening to music if they wanted, be brave and get this over his chest. He texted Jaemin they needed to talk, on the private chat of a number he hadn't used in what felt like ages and the other answered almost immediately, asking what was wrong.

A lot of things apparently, is what Jeno wanted to write, instead he asked if they could meet after school. There are two locations of their old high school; the actual building, big and old, containing also the school’s garden and the gym on the outside, main building where most classes take place. Then there’s the architecture lab location, which has some other classes for pottery and life drawing for freshmen. It is called the architecture lab solely for having the right equipment to roll down their extremely wide papers working on architecture projects, and it has spacious desks for each student to occupy.

The buildings aren’t really connected, the school’s gates on the back opened allowing students to move between the two locations depending on which lesson they have to take. There’s also a second street they couldn’t use when they weren’t out of their school hours since it faces a street where they could have gotten injured. Jeno that day walked the narrow brief tunnel heading to the main one where students were exiting once the school day was over.

Jeno waited for Jaemin leaning on the crumbling walls of the tunnel, spotting his black jeans jacket and him nibbling his lips when they looked at each other. They silently greeted, as always, Jeno mentioning to walk towards the small town center. It was quite late getting out of their longer day, later than four in the evening, and Jeno while they sat on a bench watching some children running in the nearby park decided to break the quiet.

“Did I do something wrong to you?”. He told him, slightly accusatory, arms folded in his chest.

Jaemin looked confused, phone in his hands taking in and out the phone case frame keeping them busy. “What, why-”.

“Is it because I’m gay?”.

“Jeno, what are you saying?”. Jaemin answered clearly offended, a scowl hidden by looking on the other side, huffing. “I’m not straight myself, and if anything I genuinely envied you and Jaehyun”.

“We broke up, I guess there’s no envy you can have”. Jeno rolled his eyes, a sigh escaping his lips.

“Why are you so aggressive?”.

“Why are you treating me so poorly? It’s not me, everyone else noticed”.

“I just-”. Jaemin looked down at his hands, bottom lip held between his teeth. “Feel a little awkward around you, I think? Since we stopped speaking for long, and we both changed a lot”.

“I’m the same loser I was in middle school if it helps”. Jeno leaned back to the bench, slumping and looking up at the clear sky welcoming a chilly wind threading inside his bones, autumn advancing as days kept going. “I only started working out and my skin is magically fair”. He joked, hearing Jaemin chuckling, lightening the mood.

Jaemin glanced at him for a moment, nodding. “You look good. And uhm, when you cried I’m not sure if I was saying I'm sorry for you and Jaehyun, which I am, don't get me wrong”. He widened his eyes moving his hands according to his words. “I was also apologizing for being a jerk and not speaking much to you”.

“We could make an effort”. Jeno suggested that evening, and his heart skipped a familiar beat at the glinting eyes Jaemin gave him. “Since we ended up in the same class”.

“Yeah, I thought it was funny, you know? What are the odds”.

A few months later the third year students had the possibility to spend a week in Ireland for a brief exchange, to which neither Jeno or Jaemin participated. A few teachers were absent joining the trip and their class thinned in number for that week; they were going to school only for some specific hours, doing exercises and taking the chance to catch up with some lost work or topics they didn’t understand well. 

His english teacher would have loved for him to join, yet Jeno never was a fan of these school organized experiences; he was going to be surrounded by his classmates and it surely wouldn’t have helped him improve the language at all. Jaemin seemed to share the same view, and being less than ten people in their class had them bond in the free hours they were allowed to exit the school.

The most eventful memory he has of that week was Jaemin asking to have coffee at a shop nearby, sitting at the small round table outside, cold steel where they rested their warm cups as Jaemin was rolling a cigarette for himself. That was new — well, Jeno saw Jaemin smoking since the first day of class but it was one of the new bits of Jaemin he had to grow familiar with.

Jeno never was a big smoker himself, he did it quite frequently during the summer of his eighteen years spent in Mark’s countryside cabin, playing grown-ups with him and Donghyuck at the bleak bar where they were even offered drinks when Mark became of age and all the elders knew thanks to Donghyuck loudly singing birthday songs at midnight. 

He started smoking again his first year of university, surrounded by all his new acquaintances being smokers and offering him cigarettes from time to time he accepted until he bought his own packs. Sometimes smoking before a class, others with Doyoung often lingering by their balcony with a cigarette in hand, complaining they both should stop as white smoke puffs out of their mouths.

Jeno was never addicted, he can stop whenever his mind decides he’s had enough, unlike Jaemin seeing him often itching to smoke during the years. Especially when he was nervous, and that burning filter in his hands was what had them talking the day they got coffee together between classes.

He could tell Jaemin didn’t care what their classmates might have thought at the sight of them alone after the small gossipping he heard thanks to Donghyuck, kept going with his story saying he started smoking awfully soon on freshman year, one of the older guys offering him a cigarette and soon he couldn’t stop anymore. His parents knew after a couple of months since he sucked hiding the packs, not happy about it since Jaemin was very young but they ended up letting him be and trusting he would have understood himself when it was time to stop.

Jeno was always scared of addictive things or people, because in a way, Jaemin was his first addiction. The security Jaehyun gave him was his second one, and Jaemin during the years is shamelessly still Jeno’s motive to always turn back. What has him mad now at twenty years old of age is Jeno surely would follow Jaemin anywhere if one day he’ll decide to find him and ask.

Saying it out loud is terribly hard, too enclosed in his ideals of being a proudly independent man but it does cross Jeno’s mind. Seeing Jaemin at the train station, a familiar weird tug in his chest wondered if the person he was waiting for is a new relationship. Moving on once again, endless game of playing strangers. Curiosity itching the same way Jaemin’s hands did for a cigarette that day drinking coffee together. 

Exactly how they say it; one falls first and the other falls harder. Jeno often thinks he’s both.

Curiosity also spilled between a few coffee drops on the small plate holding the cup. Jeno asked when Jaemin realized he liked boys. Jaemin never blushed so deeply in front of him before, shared it was after the summer contest Jeno couldn't attend for his injury that he started getting the first doubts.Then high school started, had to see daily handsome guys older than him finding his eyes and mind drifting to new thoughts. He told Jeno he was brave, when he saw him with Jaehyun it made him proud. 

“I would like to ask you something, Jeno. You’re not forced to answer, I’m just curious”.

“Sure what is it?”. Jeno asked innocently, completely unaware of how many things Jaemin remembered from their middle school friendship.

“I always keep thinking about that time you said you liked me. And when you came out I realized that maybe you, well, you get it right?”.

Jeno flushed to the tip of his ears, wanting to slide on the chair and disappear on the spot. He thought Jaemin forgot, it was meaningless and he said it when Jaemin broke up with his first little girlfriend, dusting off the insanely and in a way adorable jealousy Jeno felt. He’s glad it happened, it speeded the process of accepting who he was.

“I’m surprised you remember”. Jeno chuckled, digit pressing to the corner of his mouth hoping he didn’t have remnants of coffee staining his skin. “This is embarrassing but you’re right, you kind of were my first crush, mostly unconscious. I had no idea I could be gay”.

“I’m honored”. Jaemin looked down, wearing his blinding smile looking more handsome than he had ever been to Jeno’s eyes, seeing all small details of age he didn’t pay attention to until then. “I’m sorry I couldn't help you feel at ease, you started getting distant and I wasn’t a good friend either”.

“Not your fault, we were kids”. Jeno moved a hand dismissively, shivering a bit in his clothes. “You helped me, because I started wondering if I could feel those things for any other boy. And I did”. Jeno’s smile died down, voice lowering an ounce. “I still do”.

“Does it hurt? I thought you guys were doing great”.

“We were. Then Jaehyun started university and I felt the weight of our three years difference all at once. He did it too, even if he was trying to not make me sound like the immature one”. 

Jeno shrugged his shoulders, trying to scroll the shivering sadness coming back at full force whenever he said Jaehyun’s name out loud. If it was only in his head he could pretend it wasn’t real. “It hurts, sometimes a bit too much. I got it bad for him”.

He tried to laugh it off, Jaemin smiled as well but it felt more of pity than anything else. 

“You can talk to me when it gets too much. I’ve never been in love so I don’t have good advice, my relationships all sucked if you want me to be honest, but I’m here”.

And from that day Jaemin was indeed there for him.

At first it was thrilling, getting to know a new Jaemin that for many shades of his personality at the bottom of wider shoulders, several inches making his legs lean and features growing handsomely mature was the same lively kid he danced with in middle school. Jaemin stopped dancing as well, still practiced breakdance moves with some of the older dance studio guys and he said it was his way to keep in shape. He also participated in occasional street contests, winning a bunch of those treating them as fun experiences other than a reason to become a professional dancer of any type.

Jaemin was extremely good at drawing, finding an upholstered room with colors of his practiced hands painting on every empty surface when Jeno stepped in Jaemin’s room for the first time during their high school years. A stack of cds cluttered in a clear box, bulky computer,a thin bed frame and wardrobe occupying the space that smelled strongly of men deodorant.

They would spend weekends or late school evenings in the colorful room, sometimes modeling for Jaemin’s photography homework where he had to do camera exposure exercises through portraits, careless if his face was going to be projected during the boy’s lab hours. Jeno used to steal Jaemin’s old abandoned guitar on the floor for decoration, bringing his tuner playing songs instead of working sprawled on Jaemin’s parquet floor on an architecture project to hand in the next week.

Jaemin started filling an emptiness Jaehyun left, Jeno struggled explaining to his best friends his time spent with the boy was totally not a familiar voice calling back a crush he thought it was over and about to stay in the past. Jeno isn’t sure when those feelings came back; it was between eyes flickering to the lean frame working at his computer, preparing snacks for him, giving soothing massages when Jeno started complaining about his sore back slumped for hours on his projects. 

His stomach was on a nauseous roller coaster during one of their first school trips, visiting an art gallery and as the guide explained something about the paintings they all stopped in a circle staring, Jeno felt Jaemin’s body shifting closer. He tentatively shifted to the same spot, and they kept going until he felt the boy’s head resting on his shoulder, fingers brushing covered by their puffy jackets from their classmates’ eyes. 

They would steal glances all day while Jeno was next to Mark in the free hour their teachers gave them walking around the city square occupied by flea market stands, attracted by an invisible magnet having them join Jaemin and Renjun taste testing some treats from an artisanal chocolate stand. 

A kind man that fed their stomachs until they could barely walk for free, Jeno feeling sheepish eating in front of Jaemin for some unknown reason. It probably reminded how he was in middle school, when they both ate badly on those dance breaks during the days spent out for contests but Jaemin was a cute kid while Jeno felt puberty was punching his face with all that acne spreading everywhere. 

And whenever Jeno thinks about it now, it wasn’t even him being chubbier or having pimples like all teens his age had; it was the clumsiness, the stupid words they told each other, that lack of confidence upsetting all of him because he wanted to have a normal conversation with Jaemin without feeling so inadequate. Without spending hours stressing he should have said something different, cringing at the way he spoke or moved around him.

The mood lightened up thanks to their efforts, sometimes not hanging out as much when they did see each other almost daily anyway, good feelings and a friendship blooming stronger during the first two years of being in the same class. 

Things started shifting on his last year. Both turned eighteen, Jeno single for two years except for occasional sneaky tongues making out at a club during the summer, just to regret it the next morning without alcohol flooding his body. Jeno came home tanned from the holiday with Mark and Donghyuck, energized and excited at the idea of their last year of high school starting. A lot of expectations hidden behind glinting eyes hugging Jaemin on the first day, a crush he pondered about all summer to declare his feelings for Jaemin were there again, this time completely conscious.

Renjun’s eighteenth birthday party was the night Jeno understood more than he thought he ever would and got it all messed up at the same time. Renjun’s parents organized the birthday in a fancy countryside location suitable for a marriage, having them all dressed up following a dress code specified in the letter invitations Renjun gave them a few weeks earlier, trying to be freshly new adults surrounded by such a lavish place. 

They joked talking about university plans while they were sitting at a table together for dinner, drinking wine and chatting up from time to time with Renjun’s family members — the ones not coming all the way from China Jeno could speak and understand them. He also teased Donghyuck for being invited when he was ready to cut throats instead of admitting he befriended and liked Renjun, suspiciously spending every recess in their classroom or trying to bring him and Mark to conversate with him and Jaemin whenever they were during the daily fifteen minutes pause.

The location was surrounded by green fields and a big terrace where Jeno got outside to have a smoke with Jaemin, accepting his offered cigarette sitting at the rustic brick walls, distracted by the gorgeous city view at night. It was still warm, end of September not yet breezing the night where Renjun decided to celebrate properly with all his family members even if his birthday was in March, Jaemin and Mark also becoming adults during the summer. 

All grown up in age, yet Jeno felt so little and bare of everything protecting the feelings he was trying hard to cover at the conversation he had with Jaemin that night. Taking a few steps closer to those confusing middle school days they avoided talking about for two years, keeping those glasses of wine and burning cigarettes in fogged white making them believe they were braver. 

“I missed you a lot when you were injured and we had that dance contest”. Jaemin said, his profile gleaming with the night lights and staring at everything but Jeno’s wider eyes. He didn’t know why he was so shocked; they were best friends, of course Jaemin missed him. 

They were supposed to be the only two boys participating in their dance school, always leaning on the other to relieve the stage fright.

“I missed you too. I was also trying to forget you, I was a dramatic kid”. Jeno smiled, a hand on Jaemin’s thigh and his head tilting, staring at him. Mild movement gentler than the moonlight shining pale up their heads.

“Me too, by the way. I started being really confused about my feelings when I saw you again in the first year after we stopped speaking". A hand on top of Jeno’s to squeeze. 

“I found myself missing you and it was so deep, stressful, I can’t explain. It was different, I never cared about someone that way and I tried to tell myself it was because we were best friends. But what I feel for Renjun is suitable for a best friend, and when it came to you… just different, another thing that was more profound”.

“I understand, me too”. Jeno can’t tell if it was the glasses of wine he had or that was simply an excuse to say what he really wanted. “You don’t have to explain”.

He didn’t go any further with his words, mentally consumed for this one boy he never was able to erase despite wearing him down. And it was never his fault, so wasn’t Jeno’s. The security he could latch on the following days was the way they looked at each other that night. It meant more than their past feelings exposed, more than any added word to clear things out. They were still there; hidden, matured, different and shaping the relationship they had, building it a second time without giving up on it.

A relationship that was never turning to what Jeno shamefully desired the most at the bottom of all that’s superficial, crying tears he often had no idea what they meant despite all the longing he felt to have more with him, unfairly confused from the way Jaemin talked betraying in a hopeful moment all the insecurities repeating he didn’t want him. He thought there was a possibility for them someday, confirming in the span of one night he was a fool in love with someone that didn’t feel the same. 

On Renjun's eighteenth birthday Jaemin leaned closer to his face, hand trailing up to Jeno’s arm full of goosebumps but none of them did a thing. They breathed in each other’s spaces, Jeno fluttered his eyes shut too scared to pull or to close that distance. Never enough, or maybe too much, always sticking to the thought that even if Jaemin accepted his feelings they could never have compared to Jeno’s.

Jeno confirmed with a bitter taste sitting under his tongue once again it was all in his head later in the night. He spotted Jaemin making out with Johnny after the adults were gone and the location hosted an actual night for them to be reckless teenagers celebrating Renjun, dim lights and loud music where he had to recollect pieces of a fragile heart and realize Jaemin was never going to be his. No matter how close they could get, disappointed seeing him wrapping his arms around someone else.

Jeno had to learn his feelings weren’t mellow and lively for a frenzy heart like they were in middle school anymore, slapping that ugly truth on his face during the first trip outside of their country they went to months later.

It was in Vienna, late March also celebrated one of those nights Renjun’s nineteenth birthday happening in that same week. Dry cold wind of Vienna finding relief during the day rescued inside all the museums they visited, a ticket in hand and phones snapping pictures, particularly the cinema students thriving with their cameras ready to immortalize architectures as they wandered in the clean city. 

That’s how Vienna felt to Jeno. Clean, impeccable, and so very cold. A different cold, one bearable with three layers of clothes, not the humid kind he was used to. Sometimes thin snow fell in his hair, drenched in a feeling he was a lot further away than he actually was stepping looking untouched grey squares. Detached from the things that made him Jeno if he wasn’t in his hometown.

Staring outside the streetcar window at wretched snow falling in the evening approaching, tired limbs anticipating the free night their teachers promised them they could do whatever they wanted at the hotel, careful not to break anything or get too loud disturbing other guests. Asking two classes of students to be quiet was surely a challenge, but the hotel owner was a welcoming young man saying he liked to see youth and he didn’t mind having some good loud life in his building.

They had dinner at the hotel every night, that same day their teachers brought them out to a bar reachable by foot saying they had to taste beer in Vienna, having fun with the last year students as they were all adults. Jeno and Mark’s class went there also with Donghyuck’s one, having the chance to room the three of them together like the good (not so) old days.

The first few nights were fun, tired from walking all day simply lazing in bed and eating some sweets they bought outside, joking with his best friends and talking about anything. One of those first nights when Jeno’s eyes shot open hearing Mark and Donghyuck kissing in their shared double bed, him taking the single one when the other two seemed completely fine sharing and he was so glad he did in that moment, pretending to sleep with a sly smile.

He scanned every souvenir stand with an arm linked around Renjun during the day, the other complaining about the prices blaming capitalism with gritted teeth hitting his thick scarf, ending up buying a few things for his family anyway. They had fun, the trip was a good break before getting ready to work hard for their exams, and most of it would have been happier if he and Jaemin weren’t strongly avoiding the other.

On their last night in Vienna their teachers gave them freedom to do whatever since their train to leave was late in the evening. The next day Jeno wished it was a blur, but all the alcohol he had didn’t help any of those intoxicating feelings disappear. Jeno can clearly recall how he felt so vividly he could write an entire book about it.

They did a small whip round to buy alcohol at a market before all the shops closed, several bottles of vodka and cheap soft drinks to mix and get drunk, ordering sushi at a restaurant not so far from the hotel. They go in Jaemin, Renjun, Shotaro and Jungwoo’s hotel room to eat and start drinking, warming up with some stupid games where if one lost had to have a shot of vodka.

It soon turned to Jeno’s head dizzy, hot cheeks giggling and doing tongue twists where again, if one of them messed up they had to drink. Alcohol numbing how cold it actually was, he decided to get out in a short sleeved shirt smoking with some of his classmates at the hotel’s entrance. Jeno took the stairs, white and shining with pale lights his clouded head took way too long to climb down.

He couldn’t find Mark and Donghyuck anymore, asking around when Shotaro said they went to sleep. It had him wrinkle his nose in distaste, wondering if he should have sneaked a spot in someone else’s room. His two best friends made out for three nights in what sounded particularly heated, both keeping in failed attempts to not wake Jeno up. He feared vodka loosened them up too much to go further. And Jeno that night was right, still grateful he thought smartly of it, sparing an accidental cursed view.

Renjun gave him his jacket and called him an idiot when Jeno wasn’t able to feel the cold but his body surely did, unaware to speak with quivering lips. Soon Jungwoo texted them to get back inside playing truth or dare, they still had a lot of full bottles of vodka to finish in one night, and with another cigarette burned between their fingers they climbed back the stairs to the rooms.

Vienna’s freezing night had Jeno sober up quickly, tiredly laying on the bed a while later when Shotaro joked and dared Sungchan to kiss Jeno. He simply closed his eyes feeling the boy’s meaningless quick press of lips. It had most of them in the room make stupid whistling, all except Jaemin that looked icy as the weather. Jungwoo had his usual biting words on fire that night not taking any of their bullshit, unable to stand frowns and raised a cocky eyebrow Jeno’s way.

“Truth or dare?”. 

“Truth”. Jeno replied with a yawn, arms wrapped around Renjun’s pillow laying on his side of the bed. Sungchan pressed a bottle of wine to his lips Jeno grabbed to take a sip as Shotaro called him boring for his choice.

“Who’s the hottest in this room?”. Jungwoo folded his arms, sitting against the wall on the single bed where Jaemin was also staying.

“Not you, next”. He rolled his eyes, hearing the other boys chuckling. He looked around the room, taking in the mess.

Olivia and Yangyang making out at the end of the bed, some girls slurring words about shaving tips laughing at anything stupid coming out of their mouths that Jeno honestly found fun as well, ears picking up bits of the chatty drunks making absurd theories about aliens and things Jeno’s brain wasn’t about to listen.

Jungwoo huffed bored, turning to Jaemin next to him. “Truth or dare?”.

“Dare”. Jaemin straightened his back, eyes flickering Jeno’s way and of course Jungwoo didn’t miss it.

“Ten minutes in heaven with Jeno in the bathroom”.

“Where are we? Middle school?”. Sungchan bursted out in a laugh, hitting Shotaro in the meanwhile who glared playfully at him.

“Just because we’re not straight doesn’t mean I have to kiss him, I don’t think Jeno wants to”. Jaemin mumbled with his low rough voice, Jungwoo grimacing in disappointment.

“I don’t know, do you wanna kiss me instead? We don’t have many gays left”. Jeno missed the suggestive look Renjun’s way, he remembers only the shorter flipping someone off.

“Hell no”. Jaemin got up, stretched a hand for Jeno to take. “You’re not obliged Jeno”.

He decided to launch a challenging — and filled with a tint of annoyance, look. Jeno took his hand confidently, Sungchan making a long stupid “oooh” sound at them before closing the bathroom door and shutting the chaos out.

Jaemin quickly got a cigarette between his lips getting busy opening the bathroom window, Jeno sighed loudly resting his back to the sink. It was the widest bathroom he saw from his classmates hotel rooms, it made sense being in four sharing. Jaemin dragged his pink towel to his shoulders, air cold inside the room, making Jeno shiver.

They shared a look, and Jaemin brought him closer covering him with a part of the towel, soon pressing the filter to his mouth and Jeno took a drag of smoke. There was tension, cutting easily with a knife when Jeno decided he had enough.

“Are you really that disgusted at the idea of kissing me?”. He scoffed, messing his black hair in a stressed hold. “It’s the same as Renjun’s birthday, you’re so damn blind”.

“What do you mean Jeno?”.

“You said I’m the reason why you started realizing you like boys, then I found you kissing Johnny three seconds later. Was it necessary? Making me think I’m not enough, and insecure because no matter what I’m still middle school Jeno to you. You never liked me Jaemin, I don’t think you started questioning your sexuality for me”.

“And that’s your problem Jeno”. Jaemin stepped back to properly look at him, leaving the towel on Jeno’s shoulders. “You’re the blind one, if you took one second more to see things better, you would have noticed I wasn’t about to back out at Renjun’s party. You did, you stepped back and I’m respecting you”.

“Me?! You’re also doing it right now, saying things that mess up all I know and then-”. Jeno proved Jaemin’s point by backing to the sink at the bold step he took forward, grazing his cheekbone.

“Am I?”. Jaemin whispered, his breath warming up their close lips, taste of overly sweet flavored vodka and smoke. Jeno made a noisy sharp breath, Jaemin’s hand burning on his sides sliding a thumb to his skin. He fluttered his eyelashes shut, foreheads knocking together.

A frantic heartbeat, a loud swallowing sound with hands reaching Jaemin’s nape, parting his lips leaning a few centimeters closer. The painful taste of what he’s wanted for long years, a sweet moan ending that distance by pushing Jaemin closer with a leg circling low on the boy’s legs, palms sliding open to his chest as if he wanted to push him away but at the same time it was necessary licking in his mouth with dirty wet sounds filling the silence.

A silence allowing them to focus again on the chaos on the other side of the door, Jeno sighing softly in Jaemin’s ear as the other kissed down his neck licking a strip of skin, whining with shut eyes at the slow thrust against his body Jaemin made as Jeno leaned back to the sink, his leg raising further behind his thighs.

“Jaem”. His head thrown against the mirror, rocking his hips back to Jaemin, throat dry and kneaded with the feeling of Jaemin’s tongue flooding everything that made rational sense. “We need to stop”.

That’s what he kept repeating as his hand slid anyway to Jaemin’s crotch, hooking fingers in his underwear when the other pulled. “Do you really want to do it?”. He asked looking down at his hand.

“No”. Jeno pant, shaking his head frantically and the cold sweat at his temples made it sure he was starting to panic. Jeno was still a virgin, out of his comfort zone when the person he always allowed to touch him privately in that moment wasn’t Jaehyun, upsetting his own mind at the thought. It was Jaemin, the boy he wanted all along and at the same time he missed his first boyfriend’s comfort. He felt wanted with Jaehyun, while Jaemin was the biggest question mark he’s ever had, faltering any confidence with a kiss.

His eyes were blown, a bit desperate and scared, trembling and locking with Jaemin when the other shaked his head worriedly. Jaemin framed his face, stroking his moles as he licked his bitten lips. Bitten by Jeno, still shocked at what had happened. “But please don’t stop kissing me”.

One of their friends knocked at the door, Jeno hiding his nose in the crook of Jaemin’s neck when they asked seriously if they were doing okay, obviously passing a lot more than ten minutes between their small argument and heated kissing. They decided to get out, the room completely dark anyway. Jeno and Jaemin had to face months of teasing for that night, sitting in Jaemin’s lap making out for hours.

The longing to touch Jaemin for years ended straddling his legs on his hotel bed, lightly creaking in the night needing to roll his hips against the boy’s again, swallowing moans and breaths scandalizing Renjun loudly telling them they were all still there. Renjun, the only fairly sober person in the room, carefully protected them as Jaemin’s palms spread on Jeno’s lower back pushing his body closer, heavy breathing on his lips in small sounds loud enough to make a show. 

They turned slower and too dizzy to continue, lazy kisses on Jaemin’s jaw as the other soothed gentle fingers on his spine, falling asleep on him. Facing the next morning was shameful, starting from opening his eyes after drooling on Jaemin’s collarbone. Blinking heavy lashes with a hangover, flushed to the tip of his ears when their eyes met tangled on the same bed, piercing headache pounding in his brain asking for mercy. 

Mark and Donghyuck weren’t in the right position to talk anyway, still pointing and screaming at Jeno’s littered neck and crumpled clothes scolding him for not answering his phone. Both indecent in their underwear only, bed sheets too messy he already knew what they did. And Jeno had to check himself on the mirror, rubbing his eyes fiercely with a long groan sounding like a half scream.

Luckily some don’t remember, drunk and already sleeping when Jeno and Jaemin decided they didn’t care about their loud moans; the ones who remembered, on the other hand, had no problems letting the whole train wagon on their way back know what they did. 

Jeno was mortified, blaming his stupid drunk self for letting all of that happen. He missed home, wanted to hug his parents and cry all that withheld frustration growing in red cheeks against the last hours of Vienna’s wind, before heading to the station and getting a train home. He felt his throat constricted with unshed shame, dipped his nose in the high neck of his jacket in a hopeful attempt to disappear, feeling bad for disturbing Mark and Donghyuck's honeymoon phase as they were adorably holding hands around the city.

During the day some started speculating he and Jaemin had sex as voices ran, the weight of those stares Jeno didn’t like one bit saddening his steps. His classmates judged him, torturing his bottom lip and wishing he could sit on the wagon as soon as possible, headphones out loud and stop accidentally listening to bits of the rumors forming and getting out of proportion from what really happened. 

Jeno heard Jaemin flipping some of Donghyuck’s classmates off, telling them to stop being assholes as he approached him walking alone. Hands in his pockets, head low and cheeks red when Jaemin opened a warm palm for him and Jeno held it, walking hand in hand silently for a while.

“You said you weren’t sure and I kept kissing you. I’m sorry Jeno”.

“I wasn’t sure about other things, Jaemin. I basically begged you to kiss me, they’re right saying I’m desperate”.

“That’s not true, don’t listen to those idiots''. Jaemin frowned, another hand holding his waist to stop him. One look and Jeno didn’t regret what happened a few hours prior anymore, stepping close to Jaemin’s body. “You’re not easy, or desperate, or any bullshit you heard. And it’s not like we’re the first guys making out on earth, they’ll get over it”.

“I wanna beat the shit out of them”.

“Trust me, I’d gladly cheer on you if you did”. Jaemin smiled, arms circling around Jeno’s neck and they both leaned to meet their noses, cold at the tip. “But I don’t want you to get suspended on our last year”.

Jeno’s gaze fell on Jaemin’s lips, licking his own, anticipating a kiss interrupted by Renjun screaming at them to move, shifting his eyes to Mark winking at him. They chuckled, tucking a strand of Jaemin’s hair behind his ear, patting his jacket and walking again to the next and last museum visit.

They spent all the way back home together, five hours of train listening to music with Jaemin while playing with his fingers and making word games kissing each time one of them messed up, doing it on purpose just to meet his lips another time. Coming home was warmer and suffocated that uneasiness for a while, being the two of them alone in a free wagon soaking Jaemin’s full attention on him, without worrying about anyone else.

Five hours of heaven, around three in the morning when Jeno laid on the seats, legs circling around Jaemin’s waist kissing eagerly and softly each sloppy darting of his tongue. A giddy shivering caused them to smile continuously breaking their kisses, sweet sighs feeling Jaemin’s hands roaming down his shirt closing his eyes to light pressed lips on the line of his jaw. They laughed sheepishly in between, combing Jaemin’s hair with his fingers staring at dark droopy eyes in the dimmed lights, short pecks on their lips lingering.

All sounding beautifully similar to what Jeno already had once, the amazing hours spent with Jaemin made him forget that dreadful layer eventually covering all the warmth after a few days from the Vienna trip. They left that comforting enthusiasm on that wagon going somewhere else after stepping out of the train, saying goodbye with a final kiss forgetting all that happened in that beautifully cold city. Jeno clenched in his jacket, shared a long look with Mark when they both got off at their stop and they bursted out laughing.

For Mark absurdly having sex with Donghyuck, still wondering where the hell they were having feelings for each other to start with when all they did was bickering, to Jeno’s own adventures he had to explain denying and finding out all the rumors Mark had in store for him. 

“Now what?”. Jeno asked, referring to Mark and Donghyuck, accepting his new third wheel position. Karma he guesses, when in his second year he had them painfully witness how corny he and Jaehyun were. 

“Yeah, what are you going to do with Jaemin?”. Mark asked, holding his bright orange suitcase killing his ears with the sound of those wheels rolling on the floor.

“I was talking about Donghyuck”.

“We uhm, were kissing already behind your back for a few weeks”. Mark stretched his lips in an apologetic smile at Jeno’s comical scowl. “We didn’t know how to tell you or how you would react, sorry!”.

“You were dating behind my back? Great, awesome”. Jeno pretended to sulk sitting at the station’s benches, actually happy for his best friends. Surely unexpected, but love finds surprising ways to thread through people. He knows about it too well.

“And about Jaemin… I think nothing’s gonna happen”. 

Jeno came home conflicted and surprised, finally checking his messages he didn’t care being too busy spending time with Jaemin. He decided to wait after lunch before replying one getting his whole attention, hugged his parents tightly and they were surprised by the sudden wave of affection. He had missed home, brooding on the couch and biting his nails with squirming legs at every memory of Jaemin flashing in his mind at the most random times.

He also decided on opening the message, back laying on a pile of cushions as his mother was grocery shopping on a free day and his father was at work, left alone in the house for about an hour, shifting continuously on the couch reading all over again the two texts. 

Jaehyun texted him, a first one he apparently submitted to other contacts inviting him to his degree celebrations detailing the location, time, and date. Jeno had his poor fuzzy brain and stomach flipping at the second text, one Jeno is sure he typed for him only.

“It would mean the world if you and your parents come, you still mean a lot to me”.

Jeno locked the phone and pressed it to his face punching the poor cushion falling victim to his frustration, a half scream left in the sinking fabric. Jaehyun chose typing those words at the worst time he could manage.

Monday came and he was back to school, him and Jaemin looking like strangers after being lovers to each other's eyes for the last two days spent in Vienna. Or maybe as often happened it was Jeno’s mind playing tricks on him. They did share a few words when necessary, both sitting with their best friends in the shared classes nicely distracted by Mark’s adorable stories of what he and Donghyuck did on the weekend.

He knew they were getting out on a proper date, and Jeno didn’t tag along for obvious reasons, needing home time to recharge anyway. His mind was a mess of trying not to think about him and Jaemin, spending an hour walking through the kitchen and the living room back and forth thinking of an answer to text Jaehyun. Typing and erasing words, hands trembling as he sent the final text managed to write.

His parents were invited, and Jeno shared the extra message he received from his ex and talked about who gave him hickeys, a good start to his mother questioning why he looked insane recently. He blurted out what had happened with Jaemin, the woman had a whole background of her son realizing his sexuality thanks to his not so silly crush if years later it still existed to that extent. 

Jeno was conflicted having feelings for two guys who couldn’t love him back for different reasons. One once did in their relationship, the other Jeno had no clue. His only certainty was he and Jaemin would have never been able to make it work.

He turned nineteen, blowing candles and had his cheeks stained with the cake’s frosting by Mark and Donghyuck, deciding a small party with them and his parents worked just fine. Jeno never truly cared about celebrating birthdays, he also wasn’t exactly in the mood with the increasing years stopping that wish to grow up. They spent the evening playing games and finishing homework they couldn’t ignore with their final exams approaching in two months, counting on his parents support.

Keeping up studying after high school is a choice, one Jeno had to make quickly despite already having an idea of what faculty he wanted to apply for, squeezing time studying for the architecture faculty test, being a limited number degree programme. 

University was a gigantic question mark, no real clue how things worked, being the first person in his family to keep up with his studies; his parents didn’t have useful tips. They surely were supportive trying to help Jeno when he first logged to the faculty site trying to understand how to compile all he needed to attend the test, and had the luck of finding reliable people ready to help.

Jaehyun got his degree a week after, proud grin watching him get out with his thesis swooned by family members taking pictures of and with him in the square outside his faculty. Same dimpled smile, warm brown hair slightly curled at the ends and glowing with happiness and what Jeno figured was a great sense of satisfaction.

They reached the destined location for lunch, timidly approaching him in a calmer moment to congratulate. They hugged, digits pressing to his white button-down covering his firm shoulders and taking in the all grown up boy’s sweet fragrance.  
Familiar and different at the same time, unsure why he felt tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. Jeno wasn’t there those three years, and Jaehyun changed so much only in front of his eyes, he couldn't grasp all that’s not visible or tangible with a hold as he used to. 

It was for a short hug, asked him if he could read his thesis and Jaehyun gladly gave him the bound pages he flipped through next to his father curiously reaching to read when he sat at their table, a proud smile resting at the corner of their mouths. His parents hoped they would get back together at some point, never overbearing to stress Jeno with their hopeful wish. 

Jeno can’t blame them, he and Jaehyun truly looked like the perfect couple when they were dating. He did tear up after catching in the thanks at the end of his thesis his name, and even more when Jaehyun read it out loud before the dessert looking right at Jeno’s eyes.

“I want to thank Jeno, for believing in me and giving me a reason to keep going throughout my entire university route. I owe you all the motivation and passion I put into this, Jen”. 

The day went out nicely. He got spoiled by Jaehyun’s parents gushing for full minutes how grown up he looked, blushed cheeks when Jaehyun’s mother walked around the restaurant hugging him where Jaehyun was taking some other pictures with his guests, making him laugh with a choppy sound at the sight.

Both holding a glass of white wine clinking in a soft smile, automatically resting his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder when he wrapped an arm around his waist and the photographer took a picture of them. “I’m proud of you Jae, you’re doing so well”. He whispered close to his ear.

A couple events happened, convincing Jeno that all he had with Jaemin wasn’t completely driven by some physical attraction spent in Vienna. Jaehyun asked him out; to talk, on friendly terms and the first date out of the only two they had he swung by for dinner with his parents who insisted on celebrating Jaehyun's academic success.

He stayed at his house for hours, picking Jeno up from school and drove them home, a hand propped under his chin watching him doing homework with a cup of tea at the kitchen table, doing an architecture project able to speak in between, sometimes turning quiet while getting the right measurements checking his notes. 

A day spent simply, Jeno devoured him with questions about university and generally how to survive, or share advice to give to someone as lost as he was. Starting from there to stories including names of friendships Jeno never heard of; those were people part of Jaehyun’s life lead without him in the picture. 

They seemed fun, talking about university parties, how they found an orange resting on a chair and they were so drunk they found it the most hilarious thing in the world bringing the fruit home and naming it. A lucky charm lasting shortly when it withered. He mentioned a guy named Yuta coming from Japan to study and some fun stories of his struggles through the cultural differences he faced. It all sounded fascinating to Jeno, stumbling on his words when he got asked about him.

There was an odd sensation speaking of things that sounded dated and mostly childish to Jaehyun, seeing him surprised when he mentioned Mark and Donghyuck dating and their trip to Vienna. It came naturally, just to realize he wasn’t meant to graze that fresh memory of him and Jaemin, afraid he wouldn’t be able to hide it from Jaehyun.

He didn’t want to talk about their own relationships since the break up. Jaehyun is handsome and bright and Jeno had no doubt he had his stories, despite any of them official or else he would have had a boyfriend to introduce him at the ceremony. The doorbell rang as they were setting the table for dinner together, and Jaehyun enthusiastically went to open it, ready greeting his parents happily.

Jeno was folding a napkin setting the table when Jaehyun leaned back at the door to face him. “Jen, did your parents order pizza?”. He asked, having Jeno furrowing his eyebrows, shaking his head, walking in front of the door behind Jaehyun’s wider frame. 

His hand rested on Jaehyun’s arm where the short sleeve of his black shirt ended, a polite smile falling. Finding Jaemin in the delivery man uniform of a pizzeria in front of the door was the last thing he expected, the boy’s smile falling seeing them together. 

“Jaemin?”. He managed a grin, blinking a few times too many to be considered natural.

“Jeno! Isn’t this number 2?”. Jaemin smiled pressing his lips together, and in fact the boy never went to his house, he had no idea Jeno lived there. It was always Jeno stopping by Jaemin’s home in the evenings when they tried to be friends. He missed those, things were easier and exciting back then.

“It is, wait let me check the name”. Jeno took Jaemin’s receipt in his hands, fingers grazing in the meanwhile noticing Jaemin’s pinky subtly trying to hook with his own. “I knew it. It’s our neighbors, their number is 2b and they never include the letter when they order takeout”. 

He huffed comically, pointed at the house next door to show which one it was, and Jaemin lifted his eyebrows impossibly high, turning to Jaehyun and back to Jeno with a forced polite smile. 

“It was nice seeing you Jaehyun and ehm-”. Jaemin’s eyes looked so void they made Jeno’s stomach close painfully with that short glance, unable to keep it up for longer than a brief second. “See you in school”.

“Yeah. Bye Jaem”. He felt guilty, the need to follow Jaemin and explain it was not what it looked like strongly pressing to his tapping feet as they sat waiting for his parents. It was stupid, really, Jeno had all the right to be with anyone he wanted if they were passionately ignoring the other.

Jaehyun didn’t buy it, mentioning the scene with Jaemin the second time they met, a free Saturday early evening Jeno had nothing to do and he got invited to Jaehyun’s university apartment. It was small, meant for a single person racking up the necessary; a small kitchen for a smaller living room, a square of a bedroom and a narrow bathroom. Tiny yet pretty and comfortable to be around, realizing Jeno felt at ease for the person he was with not for the place itself.

Jeno opened up. He needed if he was honest, starting to bottle everything afraid he’d be a burden to his best friends being all in love when the three of them hung out, avoided bringing his situation with Jaemin to conversation. Jaehyun despite knowing Jaemin from high school also had all their story and what he meant to Jeno since middle school days, turning vulnerable in those walls hosting a life his ex spent for three years without him while he talked about his troubled feelings.

“I like him, I really do but he makes me feel insecure and I know I’m the problem”. Jeno sighed, crushed his cheek against the couch, pressed his lips turning them white with strength. 

“When I was kissing him I thought of you for a few seconds. Not in a weird way, I was thinking how I felt safe and right even when I wasn’t confident in my body or didn’t believe in my capacities to be in a relationship. It happens sometimes, and I think it’s because my mind likes to bring me back somewhere I felt good”.

Jeno looked down at Jaehyun’s hand holding his, mirrored his position as they stared at each other. Jeno felt it; that safety, holding the eye contact without feeling the world crashing down under his feet. Jaehyun he loved more than his young heart was capable of doing.

“We were in a relationship Jen, it was never casual from both sides and I’m sure if you had something built as slowly with him you wouldn’t feel like this. From the way you’re talking about it I think Jaemin likes you a lot”. Jaehyun let their hands intertwine, blinked a few times quietly. “And I kept thinking about you for long too, I never really stopped”.

“Jae… why is your apartment up for rental again? Didn’t your parents say you applied for a master?”.

“I got an offer from Seoul, I’m moving there next semester”. Jeno parted his lips slightly, letting Jaehyun slide his free hand on his thigh, shifting him closer. “That’s why I wanted to spend time with you, make sure you’re doing well before I leave”.

“Am I crazy for thinking there’s still something here?”. Jeno closed his eyes at Jaehyun cupping his cheek, shaking his head lightly.

“Did that something ever really stop?”. 

Jeno kissed him, curling his fingers to Jaehyun’s shirt pulling him closer, sharp breath at the palms moving him to his lap, a languid kiss wetting his lips. He nodded at Jaehyun’s hands pulling the hem of his shirt to discard it on the floor, leaving clothes to bare skin. Walking to the bedroom, shivering with that twirling tongue he kissed back endless times yet it felt so new in that moment, as if it was the first time all over again.

Blessed by that trick his mind made, reminiscing somehow the happiness he felt kissing Jaehyun the first time when he was fifteen, almost four years later Jeno laid in his bed leaving a guttural sound at fingers sliding close to his entrance, widening his eyes letting it happen. Shivering with no regret and shame, moaning his ex boyfriend’s name in the softest most trusting way squeezing his eyes shut adjusting greeting this new side of Jaehyun.

Hands that slided to the space of his shoulder, memorizing for the last time all patterns belonging to Jaehyun’s skin, both aware that it was their last time. And indeed it was, gaping in his mouth, delicately sticking his fingers to Jaehyun’s hips helping him with those movements that twitched his open legs with each thrust inside him. Reassuring words that weren’t necessary Jaehyun's deep voice whispered, breathy and bouncing with those movements.

His mind thought of someone else. He loved Jaehyun, in that moment he did and Jeno was sure. But Jaehyun also stopped being in his life for years, where someone else flashing in his mind with memories of something beautiful they were both denying badly since it happened, meant and reflected the same kind of feelings Jeno experienced first with Jaehyun.

He learned he could love again, sometimes love two people at the same time, and those fingers gently scraping his hips cared the same as Jaemin's ones did on the way back from Vienna.

“Jaemin”. He moaned clouded by his thoughts, without any restriction to be louder, clutching at his shoulders flipping them over, forehead pressed to his chest with a last whine, breath ragged when he felt Jaehyun being inside him in more ways than he already was. In warm liquid arousing and overwhelming his emotions to a pounding heart at the name he said and hearing Jaehyun crying with him.

They hugged, for an indefinite long amount of time, kissed every inch of skin as he was allowed to. Crying, finding closure, letting go of a part of youth Jeno always looked fondly at with a bitter taste when they gave themselves the final push to move on. They freed each other with the same love never having them forgetting how special what they had was.

“Jaehyun. I’m so sorry, fuck, I didn’t-”.

“I feel relieved, Jen”. Jeno’s lips quivered at Jaehyun’s broken voice, dried his tears wetting his cheeks and kissed him again. “Please, whatever you have with Jaemin, keep it. Unless you’re settling for someone who doesn’t make you feel the most amazing boy I know you are, then I’m relieved one of us can start again with someone else sooner”. 

“Can I stay for tonight?”. Jeno whispered on the boy’s chest, lips pecking his forehead and a thumb slid through his cheek.

“Please do”.

The school year was winding down, everyone about to pop a vein at any time with stress, the start of summer mercilessly burning against the school walls stealing their weak attention span and Donghyuck was pressing a finger to his hickeys a couple of days later. 

Jeno felt lighter, cried all his tears with Jaehyun and stayed curled against his body for as long as they could, kissed goodbye — on the cheek, a sad smile that still wished and promised all good things for both, just without each other. For Jeno’s growing up soon in a new environment Jaehyun had just ended his experiences there and left. 

“Who the fuck gave you these?”. Donghyuck shrieked, in his usual visit in their classroom during recess, he and Mark had the decency to not smooch all the time and engage a conversation with their best friend. Donghyuck detected from the obvious look on his face the answer, mouth opened ridiculously wide and betrayed in a look. “No, Jeno. Not the ex boyfriend. Rule number one, you never turn back to the ex!”.

“Shut up”. Jeno screamed-whispered, tugged his shirt to let him sit down with a scowl. Jaemin and Renjun were eating on the desks behind them, and he wanted to kill Donghyuck spotting Jaemin listening to their conversation. “He’s leaving for Korea anyway, I won’t see him again”.

“Tell me you didn’t sex goodbye”. Donghyuck was still loud and a few of his classmates did turn their way, Jeno threw his head back in distress. “Shit Jeno you did, that’s why you were walking weirdly this morning”.

“Baby, please don’t be so loud about these things”. Mark panicked, index finger tapping in front of his mouth asking him to quiet it down. Jeno didn’t need to see Donghyuck’s immediate fond look as an answer.

“I can’t believe you’re not a virgin anymore, Jeno you’ve been growing up so much”. Donghyuck slapped his arm, his smile genuine turning soon in the usual cocky smirk. “As expected, Jaehyun was the top”.

“What do you mean as expected!”. Jeno pouted, hands on his hips. 

“Come on, Jeno. You’re you and Jaehyun was the experienced one anyway between you two”.

“Yes I’m me as you say, and what does it have to do with the way I had sex with him?”.

“It’s a joke Jeno, I don’t care who you fuck and how you do it”.

“Guys, being a top or a bottom doesn’t define any relationship role why are you even discussing-”. Mark gets interrupted by his attempt to stop the bickering boys by someone else.

“Hey dumb fucks, maybe don’t talk about taking it in the ass while our teacher is on the other side of the door?”. Renjun lifted a confident eyebrow, the three of them turned where he and Jaemin were eating their lunch for the evening pause.

“Okay cutie, got it”. Donghyuck winked and Renjun pretended to puke as an answer, Jeno laughed with a funny wrinkling of his nose the boy’s direction. He also got stuck in a weird cold stare from Jaemin, the other turning immediately to his food with a noisy sigh.

That was the first of lots of questionable jealousy Jaemin didn’t try to cover. Their classmates would bring back their bed make out in Vienna casually, teasing and asking Jaemin if Jeno was good. He didn’t really bother to mind them, their classroom was continuously a war zone of making fun of the other and pushing each other’s buttons. One of those times Jeno was in the classroom, letting Mark copy his physics homework he heard a similar question, Jungwoo asking if Jeno was a good kisser.

“I have no idea, ask Jaehyun”. Jaemin replied poisonously and loud for Jeno to hear, a nasty look his way that had Mark stop his hand writing frantically on paper completely astonished. They shared a wide eyed look, concerned as to where that was coming from. 

It was Jaemin acting distant when they got back to school, Jeno was too optimistic for a half-witted good wishing things were finally going to change, as he did many times prior. No wonder he gave up on it when nothing ever came out of their closeness.

In his head Jaemin would ask him out on a date someday, to his house where they could have kissed again, bathe with that happiness he felt on the way back home from Vienna with him. Jeno had his life to lead anyway, deciding he didn’t need to be upset anymore.

Truthfully he was angry, and unfiltered of his guilt he blamed it on Jaemin, it was all on him if he had sex with Jaehyun. If he had said anything, reassuring he wanted to keep what happened on their school trip, Jeno would have never kissed Jaehyun. He didn’t, so Jeno had closure with his ex left dealing with the same old story he got fed up of.

It kept going with a petty fight about the chapters to study for a test in their school group chat, still arguing the day after, while Renjun and Mark were trying to have all students lingering outside ignore them fighting in the school’s garden during a lunch break.

“Maybe if you weren’t busy thinking of your boyfriend in class and listened you’d know she said to skip chapter five”.

“Okay, why the hell are you so pressed about Jaehyun?”.

“Why? Jeno, I thought you were smarter than that”.

“Guys, please tone it down a bit-”.

“Renjun shut up, and yes, Jaemin! You kissed me and acted like I’m irrelevant to you, and then you proceeded with all that crap you keep saying to our class”.

“Oh so you remember? That we kissed, because it seemed you didn’t to me. It’s not me fucking with my ex the second I don’t receive attention”. Jaemin blurted out, regret flashing in his face as Jeno’s eyes got watery, bottom lip wobbling weary of fighting, and a stab of pain in his chest at those words.

Jaemin shook his head, a shortcut breath fumbling his hands. “Jeno, that’s not what I meant”

“No, it is exactly how you meant it”. He swallowed down the burning in his throat, plain voice scoffing loudly. “And you were the one telling me I shouldn’t listen to what they were saying, turns out you’re like everyone else. Fuck off Jaemin”.

Jeno never liked conflict. Or skipping classes, which he did for the first time after fighting with Jaemin. He was hurt, tearing up on the stairs yet too consumed crying the endless time for the same boy, sitting by the window where he used to hang out with Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun told him to date Jaemin only if he felt at ease and never less than what deep down Jeno was aware he was. That day there was self love showing him he deserved better, and if Jaemin couldn’t see it, then it was his loss.

He finished high school without speaking a word to Jaemin, solid tension upsetting them when everyone was saying goodbye and they didn’t. He had time to clear his head, going through the three written exams of their finals, a few weeks to study and prepare for his oral and last one. Renjun invited him to his house for a small gathering, dither telling him Jaemin was going to be there as well.

Summer arrived in sweeping hot air, burning asphalt smell and a sun too strong for a boy studying all day. His mother let him drive to Renjun’s house with her car, asking for her company, still not confident driving alone. He kissed her cheek goodbye, bringing some snacks out of courtesy when he smiled at his friend, having the house all for himself.

Jeno could tell Renjun came from a wealthy family just from the birthday celebrations, the fancy places he went for the holidays or his designer clothes casually sported at school. His request to bring a swimming suit made sense when he saw the wide pool outside in the garden.

He had mentally prepared to face Jaemin, repeating in his mind it was good to at least be civil and say goodbye once and for all. It really was a small gathering, spotting Mark and Donghyuck lost into conversation on the couch, a couple of Renjun’s friends from his old class and Jaemin.The boy sat at the kitchen’s high stools, munching lonesome on chips.

Jeno wasn’t the only one looking miserable, and decided to be the mature one stepping in the kitchen, Renjun clearing his throat leaving them alone when he took place next to him. He pointed at the chips silently asking if he could eat, no plans to drink the alcohol resting on the table and it seemed Jaemin was on the same page with that, the only ones holding a glass of water.

Renjun’s house was a modern wide space, the living room so big someone started playing Just Dance choreographies following the wide sized tv screen, a mention of a smile as they shared a -clinking glasses full of water- toast. They didn’t talk for a while, Jeno somewhat afraid to speak and face Jaemin, arms folded close to his stomach resting his chest to the table’s border.

He naturally gave him a sad pout as they stared at each other long, gaze low and head tilted towards Jaemin’s fingers soothing his hair, pushing some strands behind his ear. 

“How can I make it up to you Jeno? I’m mortified”.

“Do I really come off as easy?”. Jeno asked, watching Jaemin grimacing with a face so sad his stomach twisted in regret — of fighting, not speaking when they should have had.

“No, Jeno, please don’t even think of it”. Jaemin rubbed his eyes, glossy and sorry. “I was trying to take the courage to speak about what happened but you’re back with Jaehyun and I’m a fool for losing the chance. It’s not your fault, you weren’t sure about it anyway so it’s all on me”.

Jeno would have liked to bring the mood up but he could feel how much Jaemin was stressing over their fight, brain messed up at the idea of him trying to find a time to come and speak about them. Things could have gone differently, or Jaemin could have also not gotten that courage to speak; Jeno was waiting. It was never going to be the right time.

“I’m not dating Jaehyun, we moved on. Jaem, he was my first boyfriend, it all happened naturally between us. Even that one last thing”.

“I know. That’s why I can’t compare, and I’m not necessary to you. I’m not accusing you, it’s just how it is and it’s fine”.

“Well, that’s not true”. Jeno smiled, wrapping delicately his fingers around Jaemin’s arm. 

“How can I make you feel comfortable?”. 

Jeno kept smiling wider, shaking his head unsure himself. “I don’t care if it’s just for tonight, since we’re soon getting to university and it might not work. Let’s forget all that happened and do whatever we would do without any fear. Do you like the idea?”.

Jeno grabbed Jaemin’s hands, walking to the swimming pool when they ended up dipping in a loud splash, still wearing their shirts. In that moment he felt healed from middle school; it was he and Jaemin, being youthful and careless swimming away from the other avoiding to get tickled. Laughing and drinking water from their open mouths gathering air, not minding the crazy look Mark gave them from the glass door of the living room, getting caged by Jaemin’s arms and the pool’s border.

They hugged, water drops falling to his lips, the weird texture of wet fabric sticking to their skin trying to get rid of those shirts. Jeno circled his legs around Jaemin’s waist, lulled by water sounds and floating limbs, a slippery hand opening to his chest.

“Anything we want to do without any fear, you said”. Jaemin repeated, Jeno nodding as he was trying to push his wet black hair back, Jaemin holding his thighs close. “What are you afraid of Jeno?”.

“That I’m easy to forget''. Jeno framed Jaemin’s face, long lashes darkened with water drops stuck in between. “Promise me one thing, Jaem''.

“Name it”. Jaemin’s breath was fanning his lips, a few centimeters apart, eyes carefully settled to look at him.

“Anywhere you’ll go, take care of yourself”. 

“I will. And it’s quite challenging forgetting you”. 

Jaemin knew better, he didn’t promise anything that mattered to their relationship. Jeno would keep him in his deepest desires night brings, day replacing darkness and making sure they never get erased. Dreaming of glinting eyes so distant his memory fades with time, unable to exactly tell how cold the swimming pool water felt, how unbreathable the sultry summer air was when his wet lips met Jaemin’s. 

Jaemin’s mind erasing the past pressing it at the tiniest corner of a brain trying to squeeze in new memories demanding significant attention, Jeno afraid he was part of the forgettable. 

He thinks it’s okay if he’s the one remembering all of it. It’s fine if Jaemin mindlessly left Jeno in an old middle school Facebook chat, in a fear that doesn’t weigh as much as he thought that day it would. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, if they never named it without fearing a simple, stupid word. Jeno wonders if one day Jaemin would take care of him; of them. 

-

Jeno hears the dreadful sound of the alarm, eyes reduced to crevices taking in the eight am sky framed in the window up his head, filtering morning in the form of shadows casting down his duvet. Morning lectures are always the worst, struggling to wake up early unlike Taeyong — his roommate, already up and happily humming to a song as he prepares breakfast for the three of them. 

He moved to the shared apartment for a little more than a year now, the two strangers his roommates used to be are now two people who know him the most. He might not have a complete picture of their past, yet Jeno memorized by heart all their silly habits, trivialities considered irrelevant; but they do tell a lot.

No one can dare share a word with Doyoung until he’s had his coffee, Taeyong falls asleep while brushing his teeth so it’s better to occupy the bathroom before he can step inside or they’re all getting late to their lectures. They witnessed Jeno stretching and half screeching the way he does in the middle of the living room various times, or staring blankly at a wall without speaking for minutes if he’s distracted.

“You look tired”. Taeyong slides a cup of tea his way, Jeno squeezing his eyes in a grateful smile. His phone starts buzzing with Donghyuck’s texts, the boy’s train most definitely late or something along those daily lines they type in their chat.

Jeno didn’t have the best night of sleep. Dreaming of people he shouldn’t at all after reading for almost two hours the infamous middle school Facebook chats with reddening tired eyes, waking up sweaty and thirsty three times during the night. He forgot to join the guys for dinner, stomach growling sniffing the oatmeal in Taeyong’s bowl as it gets out of the microwave.

His life had drastically changed from those memories he considers fond for the most part. Life made him become less awkward, facing situations his anxiety never liked one bit yet they helped him swim through the official start of adulthood. Jeno can confidently say he’s not doing so bad.

He has the same two best friends joining him in the library to study or eat cheap pasta plates whenever Taeyong and Doyoung aren’t home preparing their restaurant worthy recipes. He learned how to dress nicely if he’s not disappearing in a hoodie, at least making the effort of wearing jeans, otherwise he has to deal with Donghyuck wrinkling his nose in distaste first thing in the morning. 

His self esteem improved a lot from the occasional tinder dates he went for the first year of university where he was mostly planning on making friends, growing conscious he is desirable to others. Jeno also is happy for continuing his studies, an upgraded architecture student still ruining his spine over projects like he did in high school. This time all of it would supposedly bring him to a nicejob he likes. 

He gets proud passing exams, sometimes complains and shares his struggles with Mark still sitting next to him during lectures but they’re not anymore clueless teenagers and the process was quicker than he expected. Jeno can overall consider his life a good one, enjoyment hidden in the perks of domesticity, following productivity of tasks fitting between his schedule.

Jeno chats with Taeyong, then tries his best to dress up and brush his teeth at the same time, spitting the toothpaste’s white foam in the sink as another hand zips his jeans up. He’s going to be late anyway, skipping down the stairs and closing his jacket while struggling with the stiff door key of their apartment complex. In the meanwhile, his phone keeps up spamming with notifications from other apps Jeno doesn’t have the time to check.

His shoes might be burnt rubber with how fast he walks towards the station, answering Donghyuck’s call running on the tunnel’s slippery floors heading to the platforms. Ten minutes pass waiting for him and he’s going to miss his class, struggling to keep on his shoulder the tubular folder where his projects are, looking for his headphones while sticking the phone between his ear and a lifted shoulder.

“Hyuck, sorry I’m heading to class. Why is the train so late?”.

“Jeno, you fool I sent five texts! Mark said your class is canceled and we took the train home”.

“How would I know I didn’t get a mail-”. Jeno pulls the phone from his face checking the notifications. He did receive the mail, lacking the time to read it thinking he was late. 

“Kidding, I got it but what am I supposed to do, shit!”.

Jeno knew. He knew one day he’d fall on that evil slippery floor, knees hitting it in a dull sound and a groan in pain, trying to catch his phone before having it crashing where endless people are running in both directions in that narrow chaos of an arcade. 

He falls, it hurts, mild — no, big panic watching his folder opening and his precious projects he’s spent hours of sleepless nights making them perfect getting out of it.

He’s too focused on the pain and the blessed hand smoothly grabbing the projects inside the tube folder. It has Jeno take a while to grab the kindly offered arm to get on his feet. And the boy helping him seems more surprised than he is, a timid smile stretching in a straight line of white teeth.

Jaemin Na looked handsome from a distance when he accidentally saw him the other day, breathtaking up close. His big eyes dazzling as his smile gets wider, gentle and the lean slope of his nose, dark brown locks longer than Jeno remembered. His cheeks hurt from the shy tight smile, biting the inside of his cheek dusting off his jeans.

“Hi”. He breaths out, making sure his voice is still there. 

“Jeno”. Jaemin looks down at his knees, left one having the fabric ripped where they rubbed harshly on the floor. “Are you hurt anywhere?”.

He opens his palm, blood forming in lighter scrapes he wouldn’t care about if he was alone. He notices mildly frustrated that the side of his phone’s double screen is cracked, the third time this month. Jeno can’t find a reason to truly be upset — besides the light stinging at his hands and knees, also wondering if he ended the call with Donghyuck. He chooses to recollect half of the things left at his feet, Jaemin lowering before him.

“Wait, it’s better if you clean those”. He mentions at his hand, Jeno shaking his head.

“Ah it’s fine, it doesn’t hurt”. 

He listens anyway to Jaemin who lets him sit at the first bench they find, thanking him as he passes a napkin soaked in dettol. There’s so many things Jeno wants to say and ask; if he’s stealing his time wherever he is supposed to be, pointing out how funny is he never stopped being a walking pharmacy when Jaemin takes out a plaster from his bag. If he likes university and if his life changed exactly how it did for Jeno only in the two years since they last saw each other. 

“How are you?”. Jeno genuinely asks, pressing his finger to stick the plaster on his skin, pursued lips watching Jaemin leaning to look closely at his hand.

“I’m all good. I stayed at Renjun’s place to work on a project and I was actually about to take the train but hey, it’s nice seeing you”. He wants to say something about how he didn’t want Jaemin to miss his train albeit Jeno isn’t sorry at all. “You?”.

“I was rushing to university but I got my lecture canceled”. Jeno wants to laugh how it comes out as a whine, waking up early and getting injured for nothing. Well, not completely thrown to waste if he’s talking with Jaemin. “I guess I have nothing to do now”.

“Mind joining me for a coffee? My treat”. Jaemin smiles at the comic frown Jeno does. He’s going to say yes, paying for his own things. “Oh right, you still don’t like coffee? There’s also tea".

Jeno rolls his eyes, a friendly push at his shoulder as time never got them parting ways for years and he can’t stop smiling. “My treat, for missing your train”.

As soon as he sits at a table outside the usual coffee shop he has breaks with Donghyuck and Mark if their schedule matches with the fashion student’s one, Jeno can’t help but feel he’s living a continuous dejavu. Except he can recall why everything looks so similar to the past and exactly where he saw it, watching Jaemin rolling his cigarette, the shop fence outside facing a faculty area where some students are heading to their classes.

Jeno shifts from the expert fingers moving to roll tobacco to Jaemin’s fast talking mouth, propping up his chin in one hand listening. It’s cold but he can manage the shivers if he keeps his jacket tight, nodding from time to time as Jaemin explains how his faculty organizes the exams, bottom lip stuck in his teeth. He mentions Renjun doing a scenography course and they don’t see each other as much although they try to at least meet daily.

“What is he up to?”. Jeno asks out of curiosity, Renjun’s name that used to be friendly in his mind and mouth, someone he hasn’t seen in a long time.

“Renjun? Always with his boyfriend, they’re insufferable”. He can tell Jaemin is joking, still it doesn’t falter Jeno’s shock. He never recalled asking at all if Renjun even liked anyone ever, the shorter boy was focused with school and generally said he despised people.

“Boyfriend?”. Jeno tilts his head, moving the cup in his free hand. “I had no idea”.

“Jeno, didn’t you really notice Renjun in high school?”. Jaemin asks with a crafty smile, huffing some air out. “Come on, Donghyuck? He had the biggest crush on him”.

“No way I didn’t!”. Jeno’s jaw could drop at the news; he truly never noticed, unsure of how many things he’s been blind through high school too caught up in his head and small dramas. Back then they seemed a tragedy to Jeno’s inexperienced heart, now he can easily laugh at most of it. “I feel bad, how did he take it when Hyuck and Mark started dating?”.

“Not so well, he was keeping himself busy with other things”. Jaemin shrugged his shoulders, an easier smile blushing his cheeks. “Trust me, he’s doing good, way too good he never stops talking about his boy”.

“If it makes you feel better Mark and Donghyuck are stuck in their honeymoon phase for almost two years”. Jeno chuckles, his role as the ‘corny police’ occurring often when he’s alone with his two best friends all over the other. He’s happy for them, what they have is amazing even if sometimes Jeno has to bear their fights hanging out with them separately and be the impromptu psychologist for both.

“Don’t tell me you’re also being the third wheel”. Jaemin’s voice is waggish, a tip of real objection hidden in the mellow voice as he makes himself comfortable against the chair.

“Oh I am. You too?”.

“My love life was thrown under a bus long ago”. Jaemin jokes, finishing his coffee with one quick gulp. “I don’t mind, I like having my own space”. 

“I relate”. Jeno turns to watch the busy street, cars in line at a red stop. It’s always crowded, smelling of smoke and greyish but he loves living there. Growing up in a quiet small town had him always long for the city life, accessible buses and trains, busy and alive even at night.

“You really do have your own space, don’t you?”. Jaemin raises his eyebrows when their eyes lock, Jeno’s questioning. “I met your mother recently, she said you moved here”.

“Oh”. Jeno nods, stirring the second tea of the day turning cold if he doesn’t move to drink it. His stomach twists too much, ten years passed from the first time they met and Jaemin is unbelievably still able to make his heart and limbs numb. “I would have invited you, but I have two roommates and I’m not sure what they’re up to at this hour”.

“It’s fine”. Jaemin moves a hand dismissively. “How is living alone?”.

Jaemin has a visible answer to that question a week later, Jeno invites him to his apartment and he’s in a frenzy to clean everywhere, especially his room knowing he’s going to have Jaemin inside.

Their kitchen has a long table made of a painted light blue wood, old and belonging to the tenant who has a weird attachment to it, giving them permission to change all the furniture but that table. Jeno has to admit he is nervous, the good kind of jittery heartbeats filling his head as he lifts the chairs to clean the floor under it.

It is Jaemin, his first ever crush somehow threading again in his life, the third occasion for them to make their friendship work. Gigantic hoodie, sweats dirty and wet with degreaser drops and other house products cleaning some spider webs under the window Doyoung does ask him what he’s doing with a cocky eyebrow lifted, pending.

He looks like he just got out of bed, eyes lifeless and generally wandering back and forth from the fridge and his room for days now, preparing for an exam he has left behind. Med school sounds like hell from what he saw so far in the form of his very own roommate, glad he never considered it as an option.

Taeyong comes back home at that moment, all gathered witnessing Jeno’s obsessive cleaning, an animal in a zoo to their entertained looks. His keys tingle with the fluffy orange sphere latched to them, an odd bucket hat he sewed himself some decorations and his huge curious eyes staring at him when he squats at his same level where he’s laying on the floor.

“I’m inviting a friend tomorrow, are you guys okay?”.

“Sounds like a special friend”. Taeyong’s defined cheeks curve sweetly, moving some reckless strands of Jeno’s hair out of his face.

“Do I have to interact with him?”. Doyoung folds his arms, voice bored and Taeyong gives him what Jeno and the other black haired boy call the stressed parent look.

Taeyong and Doyoung are a fun, odd pair to see, unsure at first as to how they were friends. One extremely colorful, artistic from his different hair colors and personally styled clothes, neat and clean doing house chores for them without asking. The book definition of a cheerful and bubbly friend Jeno definitely needs to survive the harrowing life university sometimes unhappily offers. 

Doyoung is sarcasm on two feet, stressed med student diagnosing the worst whenever Jeno says he has a headache. You can catch him singing beautifully on the rare good days, has a loud laugh and cringes often at them and then proceeds treating Jeno as he gave birth to him. He’s a good heart, won’t ever admit how soft he gets for Taeyong and Jeno has proof of them cuddling on the couch when he hides in his bedroom for hours and they don’t notice he’s got out to the bathroom. The pictures in his gallery don’t lie. 

They work that way. Fighting in mostly harmless ways, dry words thrown at the other when they’re stressed but Jeno sees how much care is behind all of it. A hand on Doyoung’s cheek when Taeyong checks worriedly his dark circles, sometimes wondering how friendly are the arms Doyoung sneaks around Taeyong’s waist when the other is sulking and his immediate response is looking for the boy to find comfort. 

“His name is Jaemin and no, but if you’re home it would be nice to introduce you guys”.

Taeyong stays pensive, hands rubbing his bony knees. “Jaemin? Isn’t it the guy you ugly cried about that time you were drunk-”.

“Okay, enough”. Jeno laughs awkwardly, shooing both boys away trying not to sneeze for the third time rolling under the table.

No one is home to introduce when they step inside Jeno’s living room, spotting a cute pink sticky note from Taeyong letting Jeno know he and Doyoung stayed at the university canteen. It is pretty common, Jeno and Mark often spend free hours there to study on the plastic red tables for dinner as the space stays open all day, usually empty outside meal hours. 

Jaemin looks calm, hanging his bag at the entrance and following the brief house tour Jeno does. He can’t show the other boys bedrooms and his tour guide experience ends in his, staying at the door frame as Jaemin steps inside.

His room isn’t big — being the last one to rent the apartment he took the last spot left, yet he thinks it is the prettiest. There’s a bed slightly bigger than the norm to be a single one, pressed against a wide window the sun faces in the mornings bathing his entire room in golden lights. A small bookshelf in front of it where he keeps all his text books and whatever he can’t fit somewhere else for the lack of furniture, mostly skincare products Taeyong and Doyoung gifted him for Christmas. 

A white desk, dirty laundry in a casket, pencils and watercolors for his projects and a pinboard Jaemin looks at as Jeno’s feet twist to the parquet waiting. He has several pictures there, a few older than the recent ones taken last year. Jeno blushes for keeping one picture he took with Jaemin in Vienna, the boy spreading a hand on his chest and their cheeks pressed together smiling. They looked happy, timelessly careless of everything else they know went down after the trip.

To Jeno’s dismay, his guest traces his thumb on the corner of another pic. It’s from Jaehyun’s graduation ceremony, holding glasses of wine and looking at each other. Jaemin takes a glimpse of him standing by the door, and Jeno walks to the desk.

“Do you still keep in touch with him?”.

Jeno shakes his head, a small lift of his mouth’s corner sitting at the white chair. “I’m in his past, I guess. We all are, honestly, the whole city is his past”.

“And are you okay with it?”. Jaemin looks down, a small crimping of the space between his dark defined eyebrows. Jeno wonders if he’s asking or apologizing for forgetting Jeno, for leading their lives as strangers conscious it was about to happen and did nothing to change it. 

“I can’t rely on someone’s memory of me if it isn’t necessary. I’m more than fine”. 

Jeno genuinely means it. He’s spent years being afraid of Jaemin and Jaehyun or anyone that mattered in his life would forget him, stressing for something that doesn’t really matter. It is good reminiscing the past, finding time to miss days too far from his reality but Jeno is sure if they mattered and they were memorable to each other during those days then it’s not necessary struggling to avoid letting them fade.

They spare time in his apartment, the weather outside welcoming patchy rain uninviting to get out. Jeno says beforehand he has two great cooks in his apartment and they didn’t stimulate his will to learn how to cook decently and not expect a successful outcome, making Jaemin laugh who helps him through it.

Jaemin keeps talking, asking questions about Jeno’s life, sometimes bumping a playful hip against his to move him from the stove. It reminds him of their high school days when they would study all evening together, a different sense of being matured and in Jeno’s own apartment changing his perspective. Not a scared teen anymore, just a guy who expresses gladly how nice it is being with Jaemin.

A while later Jaemin has taken place stuck in Jeno’s bed pillows, one under his chin as Jeno warms his cold palms with hot chocolate. Taeyong’s head looks inside after a few knocks, purple mussy strands and sweet wide eyes in a smile. Jeno lets him inside, and the older’s grin gets brighter as he greets Jaemin, leaving a stack of Jeno’s clothes on his desk he forgot to pick up clean and folded in the small laundry room they have.

He chuckles lightly, his head in full chaos thinking about Jaemin visiting, not sure how many chores he left in the apartment unfinished. He thanks Taeyong, head against the white walls figuring the older is not alone. 

“Doyoung?”. Taeyong presses his lips in his worried smile as an answer. “Bad day?”.

“I’m staying with him, don't worry. It was nice meeting you Jaemin”. He makes sure to give him a sincere smile.

“If it is a bad time I can leave, I don’t want to bother you guys”. Jaemin lifts his eyebrows impossibly high, looking so pure Jeno’s stomach flips in a never dying feeling. Taeyong anticipates him with his words.

“No, it’s okay! Actually if you want to stay over for dinner, or since it’s getting late you can also sleep here we don’t mind”. Taeyong pats the bed, a hidden wink towards Jeno. “I’m leaving you alone now”.

As a habit, an addiction, an old one hard to get rid of, he and Jaemin start hanging out again. It starts with Mark and Donghyuck being surprised when Jeno tells them he’s waiting for someone to walk together to their classes and Jaemin is the one greeting them. 

Renjun a while later tags along to their breaks spent together, sneaking to their faculty rooms when they’re not at the academy. A group of people oddly placed in the city a second time in their lives. They’re all curious about Renjun’s very tall and handsome boyfriend so he invites him to their study sessions or city walks.

Yukhei, an exchange student from China that is hilarious despite the language limits, even if dating Renjun is helping him whenever they’re not all fondly hushed speaking chinese. Jeno is sure he’s already seen him before; usually exchange students have money and they’re quite noticeable. It also helps that Yukhei is tall and has good looks, making people turn their heads for a second look often. 

Jaemin finds it hilarious and has the time of his life at how Renjun doesn’t notice his scary stares to whoever looks particularly interested in his boyfriend that could burn souls, a funny contrast with the soft looks he sports to him. He often whispers it to Jeno when it happens, trying not to laugh in their poor friend’s face unaware how whipped Yukhei actually is for him.

Knowing Renjun crushed on Donghyuck is interesting, he notices the boy avoiding high school related stories particularly clinging to Yukhei when they do, at the same time relieved he doesn't have to go back there. Everything is going well, and there's no reason for him and Jaemin to discuss or fight for those memories, in a way he’s afraid it would break their nice regained friendship.They’re on good terms now, but they did say some hurtful things Jeno wants them to stay in the past.

All good the first few weeks, until they start hanging out in Renjun’s apartment, becoming evident to Jeno’s eyes that he and Jaemin are third-wheeling partners. Jeno never cares if Mark and Donghyuck share short kisses or any public display of affection with him around, nor if they hold hands and Jeno walks next to them as long as they don’t leave him out of the conversation — which never happens.

It’s on a casual Saturday night, beer in hand or wine and a few matches of Mario Kart getting them tipsy that Renjun sits in Yukhei’s lap making out as Jaemin often said they do way too often, Mark getting sleepy and letting Donghyuck hold him being the couple they are. Jeno is luckily out of sight, pouring some water for himself and checking the tramway schedule on his phone to get home, back resting against the counter. 

He doesn’t witness any of it, Jaemin sharing chronicles of the living room coming to the kitchen for rescue.

Mark and Donghyuck are going to stay in Renjun’s guest room, and if they squeeze it there’s also space for Jeno but he doesn’t live far, managing to get home safely if he catches the first tram available. He can tell the fun part of the night where they still had energy is over, alcohol wearing them down to the sleepless students they are.

Jeno can’t help but snort at the dramatic description of what goes on in the other room Jaemin makes, widely gesturing in his ranting and finally pressing his forehead to Jeno’s shoulder shaking with his laughs.

Jaemin might be drunker than he admits, tying Jeno with an arm around his middle and holding Jeno’s hand keeping the phone closer to his face, whiny and betrayed looking his way. “No way you’re leaving me with the couples! Have some mercy”.

Jeno pursues his lips, taking a good look at Jaemin. He’s sweaty, and it is pretty hot inside the apartment with the heater on and alcohol burning in their throats, eyes sleepy and steps not as balanced, stumbling on Jeno’s body a couple of times. “Stay at mine, you can’t drive like this”.

Jaemin looks grateful, finding him adorable standing out of the bathroom door clutching at one of Jeno’s shirts he gives him, eyes unsure asking if he can really wear it. Jeno is stalling in the living room, trying to recall where Doyoung keeps the spare duvet and cushions to make an offhand bed on their couch, turning to Jaemin’s slim fingers holding his wrist.

“I’m sleeping on the couch. And I can grab a random blanket from your room, don't bother”. 

“Sleep with me then. If you're not uncomfortable of course”. Jeno watches Jaemin licking slowly his lips, insecure warm brown staring at him.

“Can I?”.

“Yeah”. Jeno huffs out a laugh. “But we need to share a pillow”.

Jeno clears his throat sheepishly turning towards the wall, letting Jaemin change after getting in his bedroom. He didn't think it through, gaze low on the folded hands in his lap realizing they're going to sleep in the same bed with bare legs anyway.

He busies himself shifting the pillow in the middle of the bed so they can both rest their heads on a hem of it, the mattress sinking with Jaemin taking place under the blanket. They already slept together once, both drunk and making out in front of their classmates in a foreign city; this time Jeno is particularly conscious of Jaemin facing him, pillowing hands under his head.

They quietly stare at each other, as darkness allows it, Jeno retrieving his foot when his ankle hits Jaemin’s leg, the other whispering it is okay. He’s not used to this, it has been too long since he’s shared a bed with anyone really. Jeno usually gets lost in a pair of arms for a couple of hours, not giving time to a stranger’s bed sheets to get too warm that he gathers his belongings and leaves. 

It’s funny if he thinks about it. He used to long for real love, deep feelings and being loved with the same transport from both parts, unsure when he started to hide his heart in a suitcase staying at the top of Jeno’s closet. Never looking for a boyfriend, a serious relationship, being content with the brief instants of lust two bodies together can create.

Being with his first ever crush on a bed where time and memories are left behind troubles his eyes to close and relax, watching between thick lashes darkening the barely visible features of Jaemin staring back. 

“I can tell you don't share”. Says plainly Jaemin, voice tired and whispering. “Me too, if it makes you feel better”.

“That’s true. I’m not uncomfortable, it’s just-”.

“We're awkward, aren't we?”. Jaemin chuckles and Jeno does too, relieved it is good to throw the truth out and clear sometimes. He’s never really done it with Jaemin, it is a good start. They’re weird without their friends around, albeit Jeno in these past weeks with Jaemin always wanted him to stay for longer, surprised by all that still sits at the bottom of his heart and stomach giving him answers for questions he doesn’t need to ask anymore. 

“What should we do then?”.

Jaemin pretends to think, a low short hum of his voice. “First of all, it's not a crime if you touch me”. He grabs Jeno's wrist delicately, letting his hand graze his arm but Jeno’s fingers thread between Jaemin’s. Held hands resting on the pillow separating their sleepy heads, Jeno pulls him closer circling an arm around his waist, a leg stuck with Jaemin’s. 

He does it quickly and painlessly as you remove wobbly teeth when you're young, and Jaemin’s reaction is so naturally welcoming he doesn't have time to overthink. Maybe they both miss real closeness, this one harbored more than anything they could have found in one year of university. Jeno’s nose meets the collar of Jaemin’s shirt, eyes shut at the fingers threading in his hair, a sigh fleeing his lips.

“You're still so clingy”. Jeno wants to protest and say it’s not true but Jaemin’s skin warms up to his hot exhaling in the small space of his neck, clenching in his shoulders at the smooth palm sliding the entirety of his spine under his shirt.

He doesn't feel the urge to push Jaemin away, or think it is too soon to have him touch his skin so privately when it's been two weeks since they met again. Jeno’s mind keeps repeating it is Jaemin, and there's nothing that has ever made sense as this does. Nothing breaking that slow dragging of their hands to their limbs except for sleep, taking over their bodies when they fall asleep latching at each other.

Jeno wakes up to the smell of fried food and chatter outside of his room, wrestling morning light as he opens his eyes and faces the empty spot of the bed where he’s neatly tucked under the duvet. He lays on his stomach for a couple of minutes, Jaemin’s perfume lingering on the pillow making him stir in bed with a small groan. He erases sleep from his eyes with merciless rubbing fists, finally dragging his languid steps outside the room.

“I love garlic but Jeno always complains if I put too much”. Taeyong is chatting up Jaemin as the boy sits at the kitchen table, gleaming smile brighter than the sun outside and a steaming cup of coffee in hand, chuckling softly in Jeno’s shirt and sweats he grabbed when he woke up. Jeno could flush, realizing they’re the ones resting messily on his desk chair where he keeps everything that’s not dirty and not clean to put away.

“Ah, he's still picky about it, I used to cook for him-”. Jaemin’s voice dies down before grinning again, bottom lip nibbling between his teeth a few seconds. He has done it a lot, since he was eleven and Jeno met him at their old dance studio. 

“Morning”. Jeno is glad for the large shirt at least covering a big part of his thighs, sitting next to Doyoung who seems in a good mood, mirth hidden in his pair of glasses staring down at his notes. “Gossiping about me? And yes, garlic is terrible, it erases all flavors”.

It’s out of a sitcom the way Jaemin and Taeyong sigh with one voice, Jeno slightly terrified at the two join forces against him. Jaemin gets up, sliding a cup of tea in his hands a few seconds after. Jeno mumbles embarrassed his thanks, not daring to look at any of his roommates. 

They start eating together, never seeing before Doyoung talking so much with one of his friends he brings home — which aren’t many, the most frequent visits are from Mark and Donghyuck. Jaemin is a good talker, Jeno remembers how all the parents would gather up in the dance studio waiting room listening to him talking about anything as if it was the most fascinating thing.

Their kitchen has two connected sinks, one Jeno is occupying to wash the plates a while later, Doyoung offering to do laundry and Taeyong made them breakfast, leaving him accepting the easy task. It’s not bad, he likes the sound of water splashing on the plates, and if he has a pair of gloves sparing him wet oil making all of his limbs shiver in loathing he gets lost in his thoughts or sings them away.

Today he has company as his two roommates are loitering in the living room and secretly spying on him. They’re trying to see Jaemin stepping next to him, offering to dry their plates. Jeno grins when Jaemin plays and unnecessarily catches his soapy fingers, not cooperating much inching to his space; ghosting his body to his, clouding all of Jeno’s rational thoughts.

“Do you have any lectures today?”. Jeno asks, turning off the water and Jaemin grabs the towel, lips sheepishly pressed together as he dries his hands for him. 

“I do later. I should change and pick up my car at Renjun’s”. Jaemin traps the towel to one of Jeno’s hands for a few seconds longer, daylight blushing his cheeks.

“You can borrow our shower”. Jeno looks down at the grey fabric hugging Jaemin’s rangy figure. “And my sweats”.

Jaemin laughs sweetly, low voice and eyes closing. “Sorry, I’ll bring them back to you clean”.

“I had already worn them, it doesn’t matter”. Jeno keeps following the sparkle, face muscles sore he doesn’t realize how gooey he looks.

It’s his roommates pointing it out when Jaemin leaves, cooing and looking way too excited about Jaemin as he strolls back where they are. Taeyong rests his chin on the couch backrest after Jeno closes the door and Doyoung folds his arms half laying on the black leather, smirk forming on his sly features.

They want to know; Jeno has no idea what exactly, getting a wild guess of Doyoung assuming they slept together. Which they did, just not the way they’re imagining. Jeno is scared of how obviously he’s not over Jaemin when Taeyong claps his hands excitedly, grabbing Jeno’s arm to have him sit between their lounging.

“You like him! And he does too, it’s written all over your faces, how cute”. He swings their intertwined hands, snuggling to Jeno’s side.

Jeno would like to believe him, but Jaemin’s touches are still fresh on his skin and it might cloud his judgement. He has no doubts about his feelings, stupid to question them when they’re crashing back on him so violently Jeno doesn’t know what to do the next day with his walking body to class, Mark talking a lot but he loses most of his words.

He’s distracted by the city chaos, tourists not knowing where to bring their feet they have to skip, Jaemin’s hands under his shirt, a clacson startling his monotone steps. Mark’s hand pushing his chest back where he is about to cross the street without looking.

“Jesus! dude, what’s going on with you?”. Jeno stares blankly at him, somehow unfazed and yanked back from his thoughts.

It doesn’t get long before his best friends ask or draw their own conclusions seeing him and Jaemin with them. He should blame it on their friends being two couples and him and Jaemin the only single ones spending time together as a consequence, although it is not the whole truth. 

They choose two different kinds of cakes so they can split them in half or generally share everytime they get out with their friends; link their arms and distractedly walk away from them talking about their own things, looking at the displays pressed impossibly close or simply occupy their spaces. Holding hands, pinching pieces of fabric they’re wearing and resting chins on shoulders.

He notices it one day Doyoung says he wants to drink at home for a night, Jeno bringing his friends over to have some life instead of being them three alone drinking sorrows down. Jeno buys some snacks inspecting the market’s isle as his life depended on it, grabs the ingredients on Taeyong’s list for their own fridge running out of food, decently cleans the house aware it is about to get messy. 

Jeno always likes hosting small gatherings and proposes to organize often, feeling at ease in his apartment, without worrying about being a good guest or getting back home later. He loosen up with his drinks, watching amused Jaemin grimacing at a drink Yukhei mixed saying it was superb. Apparently that was a lie, expressing his distaste with his whole body, crossed legs and a groan on Jeno’s bed. He seems a bit out of it, surviving a stupid shots game earlier teasing his usual alcohol tollerance which Jeno knows is high.

Mark is not wrong, they do disappear on them most times. Jeno this time brought Jaemin safe from hands offering him drinks he doesn’t refuse otherwise, afraid he’d get sick. Jaemin crawls close where Jeno sits on his pillow, resting a hand to his side on the mattress and his gaze stays low on Jeno’s lips. He looks up, swallowing in a loud noise as Jaemin shifts his eyes to the empty drink he leaves on the nightstand, squeezing his hand on Jeno’s thigh as he sits back where he was.

Jaemin makes a face again, stealing a chuckle from Jeno, relieved gaining time to recollect his rapid heartbeat. “That bad?”.

“Yukhei hates me, confirmed”. He sticks his tongue out in a useless attempt to erase the terrible taste, falling on his bedsheets with a sigh. “I’m so tired, I only came here for you”.

Jeno lays on his side, cheeks red for the alcohol, the apartment’s heat and Jaemin’s words. Mostly for Jaemin, accepting his sneaky arm quickly secured on his waist, wondering how much Jaemin has been drinking tonight as he feels the hand too low on his back reaching his thigh, wrapping it around his legs. 

Jeno fixes his messy hair, not planning on being this close to Jaemin if it’s only the alcohol in his body making them do it. A part of him is confident it’s not that alone, yet he doesn’t want his friend to puke on him if he’s planning to sleep in his bed. He scans his fluttery long lashes, lips puffed out.

“I’m getting you water, stay here”. 

Jeno faces hell when he gets back to the living room. Cheeky stares from his friends, especially Renjun who rolls his eyes and says something about how it is high school all over again. He skips Mark and Yukhei invested following yoga positions from a youtube video; he doesn’t need to know how they got there. Asks Taeyong if he has any helpful remedies to sober up but the boy is too drunk to have a vague idea. 

He fills a glass of water, his own tipsy mind and his loud friends faltering all the attention in the medicine cabinet looking for something Jaemin would definitely need in the morning, a headache or an upset stomach he wishes he won’t have. He also catches a few snacks, looking funny it makes Doyoung laugh the way he’s holding everything and avoiding their friends' wide movements in the room.

He’s glad for the quiet contrast in his bedroom, door closed with a foot and a wild look trying to recollect the mess on his nightstand. Drunk Jaemin is touchy, hands roaming from his shoulders to his sides as Jeno pushes a glass to his lips, shaking his head and holding Jaemin’s traveling palm in his until he hasn’t all of it chugged down. 

“Yukhei’s drink tasted better”. Jaemin complains, back of his hand drying his wet lips and Jeno this time lets out a full blown laugh, pushing him gently to lay down with him. 

“Yep, you’re drunk, that’s it”. 

Jaemin struggles taking off his clothes and Jeno helps him, watching Jaemin’s shivers under his digits getting rid of his shirt. He turns quiet, holding Jeno’s hand to his chest as his thumb soothes his wrist when he’s about to get up. “Don’t leave, and I’m sorry you have to babysit me”. 

Jeno mentions a smile, moves his open palm to Jaemin’s chest. “I don’t mind Jaem, I like being with you”.

“I don’t like being drunk around you, it reminds me of Vienna”.

“Hey”. Jeno leans close to Jaemin’s forehead, leaving a kiss to his burning skin. “We can make new, happy drunk memories. Starting from now. I’m giving you a shirt, wait-”.

“I’m fine without it”. Jaemin pulls the hem of Jeno’s shirt he takes off along his clothes to slip under the covers. 

He clings to him in a hug, skin scalding whenever Jeno’s hands touch, and he’s brave to kiss his shoulder. Jeno doesn’t know how, he just wants to make Jaemin feel better, to erase any bad memory he recollects from their past, immature and messy relationship. Jeno remembers Jaemin’s regret for keeping kissing him when Jeno wasn’t sure, but he wanted to. He’s said it many times, sad the other still wraps his head around it.

Life sometimes is made of second chances, and for them it has been working hard offering them a third one, Jaemin’s head to his chest snoring. 

Another morning waking up with Jaemin in his apartment, this time still sleeping soundly stretched on top of him when Taeyong opens the door slowly, and it does look compromising. Clothes on the floor, blanket covering their bodies and Jeno’s chest is exposed under the timid rays of sun coming from his window where he’s been curling the duvet around Jaemin’s body for a few minutes. It’s extremely hot, an arm out playing with the boy’s hair at his nape trying to escape that almost unbearable heat skin against skin makes.

Taeyong covers his mouth in shock, pointing at them and jumps on his feet as silently as he can, Jeno undecided if he should roll his eyes annoyed or laugh at the big misunderstanding. 

“That’s what you were doing yesterday night?!”. He screams in a whisper, ridiculously turning in his body wearing a bright yellow pajama and slippers, purple hair mussy in all directions as he’s just woke up.

“No fool! I told you he was drunk, I was putting him to bed”. Jeno tries to be quiet, feeling Jaemin stirring and it makes him glare at Taeyong, moving his hands apologetically.

“Oh right… how is he?”. It’s funny seeing his enthusiasm fading in a second, switching to worry for the sleeping boy.

“I have no idea, I was hoping he could rest some more”. Jeno presses his lips together, Jaemin whining something with a bit of drool at the corner of his mouth. They both lightly chuckle at it, Taeyong sliding his slippers back and closing the door gently, not before suggesting they should air the room.

Jaemin wakes up a few minutes later, sprawling on Jeno’s body smelling the musk of sleep, sweat, alcohol and perfume lingering all over them and the sheets stuck between their numb limbs. He rolls on the other side, squeezing Jeno’s hand as he shivers with the cold air coming from the open slit of Jeno’s window he managed to open keeping his sleeping body on him.

“Are you busy this weekend?”. Jaemin asks first thing in the long minutes of silence broken by a few tired groans, voice jaded and smiley eyes glancing to his body rolling closer.

“I usually get in town to visit my parents but I’m free”. Jeno moves cluttered sleep from the corner of the boy’s eyes, wiping his hand on the duvet. He’s amazed how nothing bothers him when it comes to Jaemin; no one’s breath smells great in the morning, sweat can be gross and sticky and he drooled on him yet it’s nothing holding him back to show affection.

“Would you like to go on a beach date? The weather should be nice”. 

“A date?”. Jeno holds a grin back, slightly lifted on his forearm moving his knuckles on the brown haired boy’s arm.

“Yeah, I mean. If I didn’t read all of this the wrong way…”. Jaemin’s eyes look lost for a moment, scanning Jeno’s face and he can’t help but stretch his lip in that pent up smile.

“I’d love to go on any kind of date with you, Jaemin”. 

Jeno feels plenty giddy inside, because his sore muscles and hurting jaw yawning doesn’t help him express all the enthusiasm he feels. Jaemin is the same, if not worse, both craving the apartment's cozy walls. His roommates are on and off heading to their classes, Jaemin has a few he skips, unsure why they thought it was a good idea drinking on a weekday if they can’t handle the consequences. 

At least Jaemin tries to dress up and get ready for the second class of the day, staring at Jeno’s pinboard sitting on his desk chair for so long he languidly gets rid of his clothes again, giving up to any effort. Jeno’s eyes meet his from the mirror’s reflection, a hand on his shoulder in a useless attempt of a massage rubbing on a stiff muscle. He doesn’t have to say anything, Jeno bends to hug him and says to make himself home.

He runs to the store nearby grabbing some food to stop his growling stomach and a toothbrush for Jaemin when he’s taking a shower, sure the twisting he has inside isn’t for the lack of food but for the handsome boy getting out of the bathroom as he walks back inside his house. They laze in bed most of the time, the inanimate comfort calling their name and attracting them like a spell, resting between Jaemin’s legs after playing some old board games left by the apartment tenant in a drawer to spare time.

He can tell they’re planning on sleeping again, taking off his shirt before resting his back to Jaemin’s chest, bringing the sheets up to cover them. Jeno makes a quiet groan, neck abandoned on Jaemin’s shoulder as the other moves his palms to his stomach and chest.

They start planning roughly their date. Agreeing on Jeno driving them to the beach or eventually splitting the ride in half, Jaemin suggests making something easy they can eat there, listing some of the things they’ll need to spend a big part of the day there. Jaemin reminds him there’s a few good restaurants they could check out their menus, Jeno quickly scans those and the weather forecast making sure their plan is feasible.

He likes the idea of organizing alone time with Jaemin, some trips they probably won’t ever go to staying only an idea voiced out in his room, back on his chest and a small kiss under his ear when Jeno says it out loud. He’s happy, and he wants Jaemin to know. He starts listing some of the first dishes the restaurant’s site has when Jaemin’s mindless trailing hands graze his nipple, ashamed of the way his legs twitch enough to don’t pass unnoticed.

He locks his phone as Jaemin’s nose grazes his neck feeling the curvature of his cheekbones on him, Jeno’s head forward hiding his face against the black screen. “Don’t say anything, this is embarrassing”.

“It’s not”. Jaemin smiles, a hand loosening his closing legs parting his knees. “Just a little sensitive”.

“Jaemin”. Jeno complains louder, face lifted with a finger under his chin and Jaemin’s kind eyes.

“Does it make you feel good?”. Jeno is sure his cheeks are burning when he nods, closing his eyes at the simple first kiss he receives after two years. Slowly moving in that close space, lips plainly pressing and it churns his stomach to dust, relaxing as he parts his legs and Jaemin’s hand lingers in his inner thigh.

Jeno leaves his phone somewhere on the mattress as Jaemin’s fingers get where it felt good, cold digits twisting his nipple and he does let out a sound, taking the hand on his legs to put to work on both sides of his chest, throwing his head back to his shoulder.

Breath turning ragged, he moans his name at the fingers moving under his boxers, delicately holding his wrist and not really intended stopping him. “Aren’t you tired? We can do it another time, Jaem”.

“I’m not, unless you want me to stop”. Jaemin seriously looks at him, familiar insecure eyes lost somewhere Jeno doesn’t want him to reach. 

Jeno holds his face to kiss him at a languid, caring pace, darting his tongue out wetting Jaemin’s bottom lip; helping a confidence he’s been lacking between them. They were foolish teens not talking their feelings out upsetting their hearts, now with a proper date Jeno adjusted for it to be only a naive dream in his head promising this is not casual.

“Don’t stop”. Jeno gapes as he kisses him, his hand wrapped around his length and Jaemin’s legs keeping his twitching ones open as his eyes shut. Unsure of what to do with his own hands he keeps holding his face, nibbling his neck as he turns to straddle his lap, biting Jaemin’s bottom lip when he titls his head curiously at the stupid smile Jeno can’t scroll off.

“Hi”. 

“Hey, beautiful”. Jaemin winks even more stupidly, looking on both sides around them. “Do you have anything to help us here?”.

“Oh, about that”. Jeno fumbles in his nightstand drawer, finding lube as Jaemin’s hands shamelessly grab his butt free of underwear, leaning to kiss his throat. “Do you like this? Want to switch?”.

“I can do both”. Jaemin gives him a sly smile, watching Jeno crane his neck at the sloppy kisses trailing up his jaw. “But you would look very pretty with my fingers inside-”.

“Jaem, please I’m going to combust if you continue like this”. Jeno laughs, coping with how turned on and sheepish he is. He passes the bottle of lube to Jaemin instead, without any extra words, arms around his neck at the teasing inside as he presses the slope of his nose to Jaemin’s jaw.

“Why are you so shy? It’s just me, Jen”. Jeno starts grinding on his fingers getting the hang of it, a whine escaping his parted lips in pleasure.

“Exactly, it’s you”. He shuts his eyes at Jaemin’s thumb through the space of his left hip, curving his cheeks in a smile. “I wanted you for the longest time. Not just like this”.

“Me too, Jeno. We both knew it and did nothing for so long, didn’t we?”. 

“It doesn’t matter”. Jeno’s voice stutters from the stretch, putting his thighs to work lifting his weight up and back to Jaemin’s lean fingers, a guttural sound breaking the silence made of rushed breaths. 

As he gets the boy’s digits buried and curling inside where his thighs start shaking his mind is completely fogged to anything rational, pointing to Jaemin where he keeps his condoms, a small pleased sob dying down in the spot he bites on his shoulder. He shifts back allowing Jaemin to wear it, helping him out of his — Jeno’s underwear.

“Hey naughty, you do have condoms”. Jaemin jokes kissing the back of Jeno’s hand before he lifts up pushing the tip of his cock inside, rolling his eyes at the comment, a scowl turning to gasp slowly bottoming. “I’m kidding, it’s good you do”. 

Jeno brings Jaemin’s hands to his butt as he loses time mumbling praises, giving him a fretful look half joking, half serious. “Can’t you just- do something?”.

Jaemin flips them over, kissing him sweetly when he thrusts a first few times inside, grabbing Jaemin’s shoulder blades. His sounds turn airy, sometimes sending cringing looks at Jaemin when the bed gets particularly creaky, unsure if there’s anyone home. 

His leg stays bent on Jaemin’s arm, the other crawling up as it gets good and Jeno is stretched enough to focus only on him, forgetting all surroundings. He strokes the space under his jaw, takes in the squelching sounds out of place with the way Jaemin kisses him, delicately licking the roof of his mouth, and Jeno takes his time feeling up Jaemin’s chest and toned stomach.

They are indeed lazy and hungover, losing strength taking too long to move, Jaemin languidly lifting his hips almost completely laying on top of Jeno unsure if any of them is going to come if they keep kissing and get busy tracing each goosebump on their arms. 

Jaemin says something silly that makes Jeno giggle so mellifluously he’d tease himself endlessly for it, a kiss and a bruise left where Jaemin’s neck isn’t already marked in purple when they hear the door opening.

“We have company”. Jaemin kisses his chin as Jeno looks at their joined bodies, thankful for the blanket covering them.

“Jaem, I didn’t lock my room”. He rocks his hips back to Jaemin’s small grinding making sure he’s still stretched enough for him to move, nodding and moving his hips to a pace he can keep up with.

Jeno wants to scream at the knocks at his door, Taeyong asking him if he can come inside.

“I’m ehm, busy! Naked”. Jeno grimaces as Jaemin looks particularly invested in his shame, a weak fist protesting on his chest. “Don’t come in please”.

“Okay?”. Jeno almost panics as Taeyong out of habit holds the door handle and it sounds as if it’s opening, shifting his weight towards it. Jeno’s seen him doing it many times before to know. “I’m calling you when Doyoung cooks dinner?”.

“Yeah! Sure, I’ll join you guys later”. He shuts his eyes at Jaemin working his hand through his length and starts a quicker pace, sighing against the sheets. “God, once they see you it’s going to be so obvious”.

“Then what’s the use of being quiet?”. They shift position again, Jeno straddling Jaemin, the new angle easing the trembling feeling on his thighs.

“You want them to hear us? What kind of kink is that, Na”. 

Jeno guesses it is quite an important one for the boy, easily edged whenever he understands if he gets purposely louder the other likes it, guessing his roommates were going to know anyway. It has them finish quicker than expected, Jaemin’s locked face gaping on his mouth the most attractive thing he’s ever seen so far, stealing his breath he doesn’t have the time to take making out on that dirty bed for some minutes more than necessary after spending a whole hour sinking on the mattress.

When they get out of the room, Taeyong almost faints at the sight. He can tell he wants to eat them alive with questions, Doyoung holding him from actually doing it, changing the topic and asking what they did during the day without them which isn’t a great question. So Jeno apologizes for the noise saying plainly they had sex and it’s not a big deal, Jaemin pouting correcting him to “Making love” and it has Jeno wanting to kiss him breathless on the spot. 

They mention their date instead, exciting his roommates lingering by the kitchen table. He doesn’t have the time to wait for dinner when he crashes asleep with a cheek smashed to the table, lulled by their chattering voices. 

He sits a couple of days later on the same chair, squinting his eyes to his class notes without glasses helping his sight as his scalp slightly burns trusting Taeyong’s hands working on him. Jeno always wanted to dye his hair, scared to ruin them but recently he’s been doing a lot he considers brave from his part. After browsing the internet for a long time he asks the person he knows has the most experience with changing hair colors continuously, Taeyong gladly accepts to do it for him.

He couldn’t book a hairdresser and Jeno generally never likes having to entertain a stranger making his head soapy or awkwardly sitting in a shop unsure of what to do. He can comfortably check his notes, apparently he’s the core of entertainment when even Doyoung is out of his room looking at the process, his hair getting bleached.

The past days Jeno has been waking up checking the sky first thing in the morning, hoping the weather is really staying all nice as it has been, wanting his first proper date with Jaemin to go smoothly. They already made some bigger steps than a date, he is aware, yet it means a lot to him; being a simple couple holding hands at the beach, is more than middle school Jeno could ever imagine. It would sound insane to him if he could have a conversation with that small, clumsy boy.

Doyoung jokes about wanting to impress his boyfriend, and Jeno simply smiles highlighting a line in the textbook he needs to write down later. It’s true, he likes how Jaemin is “his boy” and there’s no shame to admit he does want to surprise him. Well, Jaemin always gushes about his soft hair and now they would be ruined and not as soft, but Jeno is doing it firstly for himself.

Risking a bit, stop overthinking, soaking a confidence he’s been working on for years. His phone rings and he has no choice but to put it on speaker, or he’s going to bleach his black case. 

“Hey lovebug, what are you up to?”. Jaemin chirps, low voice mingling with trafficked street sounds. He should have just gotten out of a class. He glances up at Taeyong cooing trying to tone it down, holding the phone closer to his lips.

“Doing something fun”. He teases, biting his knuckles as Jaemin takes a few seconds to reply, making a small curious noise.

“Without me?”. 

“It’s a surprise and you can’t see it yet”. Jeno lifts his eyebrows, a mirthful look Jaemin can’t see. “And no, I’m not free and you can’t come here”.

“Oh so you’re home! Wait, why can’t I?”.

“Be patient Jaemin, you’re seeing him tomorrow”. Doyoung jokes, talking loudly the voice reaches the speaker, and Jaemin makes a long understanding sound.

“What are you guys doing to my date? Jeno blink twice if you need help”.

“Stupid, how are you going to see if he blinks”.

“Doyoung!”. Jeno laughs, tempted to give in and let Jaemin come over. At the same time he can’t find him with fresh bleach hugging his hair in foil; plus it would ruin the fun of what he hopes is a positive reaction. His hair got longer recently, it takes a while to have them all at the same shade.

“Okay, okay I trust you… Jen?”. Jeno hums, watching Doyoung shaking his head and typing back on his laptop. “I was thinking you could stay at mine after the beach, my mother wants to see you”.

“What did you tell her?”.

“Just, uhm”. Taeyong nods when Jeno asks if he can move to his bedroom. The walls are thin but he prefers to give Jaemin some privacy, and he sounds relaxed when Jeno says he’s alone. “I told her I think it is kind of serious between us? Is it?”.

“It is! I didn’t have the time to tell my parents yet, I didn’t want to pressure you but I guess you were fine all along”.

“It sucks doing it on the phone but please let’s talk about it. I like you Jeno, and I’m sure we can have something really good if we trust each other”.

“I trust you. It is serious between us, I’m happy you told your parents. I just want to tell them after our date and in person”. Jeno fumbles with his planner, figuring he has to make a small suitcase for the weekend if he’s spending it in town. “What if we visit them on Sunday? We’re going to be tired but I can tell my mother we’re passing by in the evening”.

“Ah, your mother. She really, really liked Jaehyun”. Jaemin chuckles and Jeno can tell it is a nervous one. “I can’t compete with that”.

“There’s no competition, lovebug”. Jeno stresses the pet name sweetly, Jaemin answering with a fond sound and breath fatigued from walking to the station he figures. “If I’m happy my mother is going to be happy. And who are you trying to fool, you have everyone wrapped around your fingers all the time”.

“It’s fine if they stay wrapped around you only”. Jeno turns at Taeyong’s apologetic smile, pointing at his hair and Jeno realizes he’s going to get bald if he doesn’t listen.

“Jaem, I need to go. Get home safely, hm?”.

“I’ll text you later”. Jaemin says with his soft tone and Jeno would love to talk for more, internally sulking for not seeing him today. He knows his friends would clown him when they’ve been out all day between classes the day before. It might be the novelty of dating, but Jeno has been head over heels for him to the point he trusts the excitement just for spelling his name rolling out of his tongue won’t die down easily.

Once his hair is washed and styled Taeyong hugs his shoulders as Jeno checks himself in the living room mirror. He’s relieved, he thought it would look more damaged, running a hand to his new blond hair. When you see yourself every single day it’s hard realizing how much time shapes your features, yet there are some moments you look at yourself and see your growth as it isn’t your own. 

Jeno notices it in that moment, starting from his sharpened jaw, apparently strong looks everyone who knows him is familiar to see them fall into gentleness, slim and matured. He mindlessly traces his fingers on his neck, Jaemin’s morning roses on glass like skin showing all his veins resting underneath.

Doyoung whistles from the balcony, offering a cigarette Jeno gladly accepts, the three of them directly facing some warm rays of sun.

“I told you he’s gone for you, by the way”. Taeyong rests his head on Doyoung’s shoulder, Jeno narrowing his eyes at them when the black haired boy runs a palm down Taeyong’s leg. He’s not going to ask, blowing smoke after a short distracted drag.

“Don’t leave us to move out with your boyfriend like our ex roommate did, I can’t bother looking for a new one”. Doyoung complains, making him laugh against the railing, pushing playfully on his shoulder.

“Wait, can we call Jaemin the boyfriend?”. Taeyong asks seriously, empathizing the word. 

Jeno raises his shoulders, a huffed laugh when he exhales. “Yeah, I think he is the boyfriend”.

Saturday starts with a blinding sun having Jeno wear sunglasses as he drives them to the beach, heat damped by a breezing wind exposing Jaemin’s forehead as he keeps the window half open, hand wrapping on top of Jeno’s everytime the gear shifts.

Jaemin has been staring at him quite boldly since they greeted in the morning, some not totally appropriate whispering about how hot he looks and a sloppy kiss resting his back on the car door, sliding an old fashioned hand in Jaemin’s back pocket of his jeans.

He sings to his playlist telling Jeno that every song is the best one he’s ever going to hear in his life and expectantly waits for him to appreciate them. Most of them are good, Jeno taps the beat on the steering wheel or sings the melody, sometimes hearing Jaemin delightful defending his favorite artists if there’s an occasional song not as exciting. They both turn quiet when they finally spot the sea’s blue line from a distance as they’re approaching the seaside spot.

It is colder than planned, Jeno shutting his lashes avoiding the strong wind flying sand in his eyes, blindly walking hand in hand with Jaemin who guides him by the shore, an unexpected kiss on his cheek as he steps the boy’s feet in the way. Jaemin takes him by his hips, holding a few messy strands of hair in his curled fingers, inching with Jeno’s hand around his nape. “It’s so windy”.

Wind blows, moving Jaemin’s brown locks glistening under the sun, moving time and rippling the sea at the shore wetting their cold ankles, walking bare feet when they leave their shoes and a beach towel a few meters behind. He enjoys the candied smile Jaemin makes as Jeno hides his arms under the boy’s jacket, resting his chin on his shoulder and facing the sea sparkling with those strong rays of late morning’s sun.

Take care of yourself, take care of your troubles — that’s what jeno wished for Jaemin thinking time would steal every memory of them. He didn’t know he would be standing with him on a desert beach, slowly opening his eyes rescued by their pressed foreheads and faces a few inches apart. 

It might be mundane, but how else is he supposed to call the whirlwind he carries in his heart around for years. Calling Jaemin lover without his lips betraying him with their trembling, Jeno is happy they risked it, overcoming all the possible hurt they caused to each other. 

They forgive with every graze of their lips, finding what sounds close to devotion in clothes dirtying with sand curling to Jaemin’s side on the towel, watching time flowing from the position of the sun up their heads. Day on the clock, Jaemin chugging down half a bottle of water as he takes the driver’s seat and Jeno stares lovingly at him, as a man too fond does.

Two hours ride, the end of the day and the start of a long undefined time in front of them to live. Sunset bathing Jaemin’s skin, Jeno’s eyes adoring those lingering glances, thinking of tasting the sea’s salt at the bottom of Jaemin lips; a defined raised questioning eyebrow at something he asked and Jeno was too distracted to hear. 

“Tired?”. Jeno leans to the hand on his cheek, blinking slowly his eyes.

“No, you’re just very distracting”. Jaemin chuckles, pinching his cheek fondly. “Text your mother we’re leaving now”.

“Ah, about my mother, I guess I’ll tell you before she says anything”. Jeno’s interest is easily captured, spotting Jaemin’s cheeks blushing, pressing his lips in a funny waiting smile. “She knew I liked you in high school, and when I told her I met you again she was kind of rooting for us?”.

“Jaem, that’s so sweet, does she like me?”. 

Jeno can tell himself she really does, squeezed in a hug from the woman looking awfully similar to Jaemin, both coming home with dried sand to clean, skin slightly burnt and stretching as they unload Jeno’s suitcase in his room. He takes Jaemin's shoulders, guiding him to sit on the bed. Some rummaging in his bag later he finds the lotion he bought knowing they would need it at the end of the day.

He lets out an ironic scoff as Jaemin makes him sit on his lap, cold lotion in his fingers spreading to Jaemin’s burning and reddened cheeks. Jeno takes his time with it, on the fence of obsession to map Jaemin’s skin under his fingers, a few pecks on his lips received from the other in between.

“Jaemin”. He reproaches Jaemin when he takes a good part of his shirt up, keeping his hands under the fabric, taking a look to make sure the door is closed. “Not now”.

“I’m not doing anything”. Jaemin sighs, a few slippery strands of blond hair tucked behind his ears. “Are you happy Jen?”.

“Very”. Jeno looks at the door again, thinking there’s nothing wrong if he goes through the line of Jaemin’s bottom lip with his tongue, watching the parting of lips so pliant and seeking closeness. “I had a lot of fun today”.

“I want to give you only good days”. 

“It’s not always going to be good. Bad days matter too, Jaem''. Jeno rests his chin on Jaemin’s hair, keeping the boy’s head to his chest, taking in his cheek softly resting there.

“I know”. He whispers, sounding more fragile and earnest than they’ve been all day. “But we already had a lot of those, now let’s be happier. And talk if things get wrong, or confusing”.

“Jaemin I promise you we will, don’t get upset alright?”. Jeno frames his face, Jaemin holding his wrists, nails tickling where they scrape lightly.

“I’m not upset”. Jeno steadies himself with his arms around Jaemin’s neck as he brings them down, watching his wandering eyes around the bedroom. 

Nothing really changed. His bookshelf just has new books, the bulky computer is the same making a weird buzzing sound downloading something he doesn’t bother to ask, walls painted with new drawings Jaemin took his time to paint. Same almost bare room of furniture where they spent hours together, this time hugging and kissing Jaemin the way he’s wished for long years to do one day.

It seemed such a huge fantasy, an impossible dream, and there they are. Not exactly how Jeno used to fantasize about, but the image he sees as he opens his eyes pulling from Jaemin’s lips is way better than all his mind could have made up. 

Jeno listens to the left side of Jaemin’s chest, the slow pace of a heartbeat; gut feeling, the intimacy of a touch, whatever it was since it started to spread. When it gave him the right kind of fever the first time.

**Author's Note:**

> ovunque andrai, [abbi cura di te](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDyYT5rsYB0), cura dei tuoi guai.
> 
> thank you for reading! <3
> 
> you can also find me here: [twitter](https://twitter.com/jenlvbug) ; [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/ir02ne)


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